Thursday, September 29, 2016

IT SEEMS AS IF I WILL HAVE TO LIVE WITH THIS ILLNESS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE...I MISS CANADA...GOD?



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it seems as if the  sufferings will never end
i dont  know what to say or what to do.
this month , it has been nine years since i have been suffering  from this illness,
as you know that i hear voices and have compulsions and i dont  know that when
  this nonsense
 will end and it   seems as it will never end and it appears as if i will never be cured of
 this illness
enough is enough and i have had enough/and i dont  know what to do.

this is worst than hell.

i came to america around  2 week ago but did not have  a  nice time.
i had  a  siezer and  collapsed at the book shop.
i actually fainted at the barnes and nobels in new york city and was rushed to the 
hospital and 
 was
 treated for the break down i had.
i ended up in the hospital and had no memory of how i bloody  got over there/


they put me on a bed and put stuff/.
thoes guys charged us 2000 dollars and i have no memory what so
every about what happened in
 those hours and i just dont remember what happened then .

i was supposed to  go to brazil  for the olympics but that plan got messed
up because i told my father that i
  want to go to new york city.
i was on the streets of new york hearing voices and i was going insane and i did not
  know what to do.

i cannot tolerate
 this crap any more/
i am sure that i will never be cured of this illness.
this illness does not spare me even if i come to america,
i went to the book shop and bought some books by sam harris , a writer i like.

 i have most of the christopher hicthens books with me,.
i bought many books that i liked and enjoyed the book shop but my father went
and  got the books for me/.
coming back to the point , i am very ill,
i have been suffering from august 2007
which means that i have been ill for 8 years , 11 months and 29 days.
i am not well\

i am ill
i am mentally ill



i am mentally handicapped.
i have obsessive compulsive disorder and i hear these  bloody voices..




one third of my life is spent suffering from this illness which has ruined every thing.
i have gone through hell all my bloody life and i felt so miserable yesterday that you
can not imagine
 , i did not want to live.
my life is worst than hell and i go through unspeakable agony and have to
 suffer so much   and no one
 bloody cares a  dam.


no one  writes to me because
 no on dam cares a  dam what happens to me/


coming back to the point i hear voices many many times

2016 has been the worst year of my life and in this year i have suffered so
 so much that you can not
even imagine.
i have heard voices about 100 to 110 times.

they go on and on

dont   you get it joshwa  ,
this is all part of a set up
dont you get it 
they are all coming to get you
you are nothing but  a coward
 coward who  wants to kill him self

they are all watching you Man/.

you must do it\


coming back to the point

the compulsions screw me up and i have been having them
 since many years/


as you know i have to close switches and taps
i have to close taps at many places in islamabad including
 my law and sociology  teachers house and at some other places./
there are many places i have to close
 taps .
i have to close switches and taps at my step father
farm house in the outskirts of lahore where i havent been in 3 years.
i have to   close switches and
taps at bets , a school my mom put me in to study
 english and computers/.
 and computers last year.

taps  in the toilet next to the readings book shop in lahore



switches 
 and taps at  my grand mothers brothers house in lahore/

its my grandmothers brothers house where i went a couple of years ago/.

it is in Lahore/.
there is more to come:




taps and switches at my grandfathers brothers house in
 lahore

taps and swithces at my grandparents house in lahore
 i have had these issues since many years.
taps swithces and windows at my step fathers house in\
 zaman park in lahore.
there are 4 taps at a building  near my step fathers house in lahore and i
 have to close them /
this is in zaman park in lahore.
i have issues at many places in lahore. 
this crap or shit goes on and on/.
now all this shit goes on and on and nothing can bloody be done
 about it/
i was in turkey then i was in new york city
i went to the book shop a couple of   times but heard  alot of voices.

it seems as if the whole world is  a setup and that they are all coming to
get me and that some one
 has done some thing to me or has deleted it  from my memory
maybe some UFOS or aliens abducted me/
aliens do exsit and abduct people .

maybe the the US government is after  me  or the mullahs in pakistan/

i hear  voices and have compulsions/
all this shit is not  a joke
nothing can be done
i still miss the heart of toronto , the streets of bangkok and the beaches of hawaii
i really miss the heart of toronto while i hear indian music.
.
pakistan is my bloody country and  i want to become a writer 

just think about all  the great times i had in bangkok man/
how miserable can things  get ?

i just want to think about all the great times i had with my father in bangkok/

i will be the happiest person when this illness ends/
but i even heard voices when i was in bangkok,
i have to become a writer and make my country pakistan very proud/
i love reading books and i like music/

it is very obvious to me that i will never be cured of this illness/

the list of the  compulsions go on  and on and no bloody cares a  dam/



and this illness will stay with me for the rest of my life/
i really enjoyed the book shops of new york/
i like to buy books on religion and philosophy/.

i LOve My Country Pakistan/.
i  have to do great things for my   country.
i want to do great things for it,.
coming back to the point
i feel like crying when i think about the fact that i will never be cured of this illness,
perhaps some has cursed me.


i want to go to Bangkok for the new year and dance the night away on some music/
the trip to america has been terrible
and every thing that goes wrong in my life is due to this illness man





the suffering will never end and we will have to rot in this world forever/
i felt  so miserable yesterday when i was hearing voices and having compulsions
and i did not  want to live
what the hell can be done?
nothing can  be done because no one gives a  fuck..

perhaps its just  better to go home to Islamabad/.

i enjoyed my times in Bangkok  but there too i hear voices
i have heard voices in lahore,islamabd,bangkok,toronto,new york city/.
as  a  matter of fact i have been all over the world and i  want to go to
 houston or to brazil.

why arent people  fighting with each other?
there is actually nothing to do  in life but to rot and to suffer man?/.


i want to chill in hawaii with my mothers sister/.
thoes were the best days of my life in july,2003 when i was in hawaii

with my mother and her sister.
today i was waking with my father in the outskirts of new york when i started
 hearing voices and just
 said to my self enough is enough/
cant even enjoy my last days in new york because of this shit/.

i am going through hell and i cannot take this shit any more
please do reply and please get me out of this shit and this misery,
i tell people but no one cares and no one gives a shit,
this life is helll and a birth place of suffering and  misery and the one who
 has done this should be
 brought to justice, i have just had it with all this crap , i dont deserve to

 go through all this crap/ 


i deserve to be happy and to live a  happy live/

my tolerance level has expired , it


has  been like 9 bloody years that  i have been suffering from
 this bull shit and its better to die than  to
live this kind of life.


the taps compulsions bother me so much that i want to shoot my self . i 
want to become a writer/
.

how fucked up can things get?.



\
enough is enough/

i dont  want to live any more\?
its better to be   be dead than be in so much misery/
 no one close to me really cares \why cant i just die


the compulsions at many places in lahore bother me as i have discussed/.,,.



i went to the book shop yesterday and started hearing
 voices/,.


and then as i sat in the car  , afcourse i started hearing thoes bloody  voices so
then i came  to my step fathers house in lahore/,.\


the compulsions to close taps in lahore bothers me and i hear voices,
i was just thinking that i do not deserve to suffer  so so much and whats the point of making me
 so miserbale/

nothing can  be done and nothing can be said,.
this  illness will never end  but i miss the heart of islamabad.
no one really cares a  fuck you know.
and this is obvious.

.
nothing can be said and nothing  can be done,
the taps at many places  bother me and i like to read books/,.

no one can stop this god from making people suffer so much for no bloody reason/

nothing can be done and nothing can be said, the truth is that we have  \
been sent here to rot and to
 suffer in this miserable world/
imagine a world free of obsessive compulsive disorder


i feel depressed 
i hear   voices
the long list of compulsions bother me

i have to close taps at the shop of a tailor in lahore wehre my  mom went to 


get her clothes ,   close taps at the doctor my step dad took me to  to get \
\my disorder fixed in lahore,.


at the bath room stop between the motorway of lahore and islamabad/.
my grand mother wanted to take me to the book shop , i bought two books and as
 i was coming out
 of the book shop, i saw a tap that was on so the issue was to afcourse to
  close it although i already
had to close taps in the toilet
    of the book shop but this tap was out in the open/,.
i have to pick up a door mat near the market in lahore near our house and throw  
it into the canal,.
  close taps  the taps of a water tank or what ever you call it in tech society which is a 

colony where my grandparents live in , in lahore,.

i bought a book by sam harris a writer  i admire and also ian mcewan.
i started hearing  voices like i do every day 

infact this is a routine in my life which is to hear  voices and all that shit,.
dam
this will never end ,
this illness will live with me for all of my life,.

and then as i sat in the car  , afcourse i started hearing thoes bloody  voices so
then i came  to my step fathers house in lahore.


the compulsions to close taps in lahore bothers me and i hear voices,
.i was just thinking that i do not deserve to suffer  so so much and whats the point  
of making m so miserable?,.

nothing can  be done and nothing can be said,.
this  illness will never end  but i miss the heart of islamabad/
,.
no one really cares a  fuck you know.
and this is obvious


nothing can be said and nothing  can be done,
the taps at many places  bother me and i like to read books/,.

nothing can be done and nothing can be said, the truth is that we have \
 been sent here to rot and to
 suffer in this miserable world/

imagine a world free of obsessive compulsive disorder



i feel depressed 
i hear   voices
the long list of compulsions bother me  

my father is in brazil and i  am very unwell in lahore/.
yesterday i was hearing voices as i do every day and  could not even get out of bed,and they  
went on and on.
THE TAPS compulsions  bother me like hell.
closing taps at the building and at the readings  book shop and all thoes other
compulsions to close
 swithces and taps/.
i managed to read 8 to 9 books ,.
it is obvious that i will have to hear voices and have compulsions for the rest of my life,
actually nothing can be done  


i dont know  what should be done but i am  really sick of the whole situation ad with life
it is obvious that this illness will not end.
i have ordered two christopher hitchens books from amazon,
I LOVe my country pakistan and i want to become a writer.
i will be dancing all night in bangkok in december , as i said before ?
i hear voices and
have to  close taps in some places in lahore?

what the hell?

I HAVE GONE INSANE THIS YEAR IN 2016 , HEARING
 VOICE AND THE LONG LIST

OF COMPULSIONS/

WHAT THE HELL CAN I DO?
I HEAR VOICES AND THE TAPS BOTHER ME LIKE HELL,.
IT SEEMS AS IF THE WHOLE WORLD IS AGAINST  
ME AND THAT
 THEY ARE ALL WATCHING 
AND 
 ARE COMING TO GET ME

THE COMPULSIONS GO ON AND ON
THE TAPS SCREW ME
I HEAR VOICES DAILY
I AM ILL.
THEY HAVE CAMERS IN MY HOUSE AND ARE COMING TO GET ME
THEY ARE GETTING PLEASURE OUT OF MAKING M SUFFER SO MUCH

GOD IS  TO BE BLAMED FOR ALL THE SUFFERINGS
 IN THIS MISERABLE

WORLD
NOTHING CAN BE DONE ACTUALLY/
I MISS TORONTO AND I STILL WANT TO PARTY IN BANGKOK/


THERE ARE OTHER ISSUES LIKE THERE MUST  BE A WAR  
BETWEEN INDIA AND 

PAKISTAN./.
WHAT THE HELL CAN I DO?
WHY WERE WE SENT TO THIS WORLD?

TO ROT AND TO SUFFER,

PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD HAVE TO SUFFER  SO MUCH/.

THIS ILLNESS HAS RUINED EVERY THING

I AM SUFFERING  SO MUCH
I DONT KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?//

HELP HELP HELP HELP


ENOUGH IS ENOUGH


TODAY ON THE 28TH OF SEPTEMBER  2016 , I WAS 
GOING CRAZY HEARING VOICES

AND HAVING COMPULSIONS
THE TAPS BOTHER ME LIKE HELL,.
I REALLY WANT TO PACK MY THINGS AND  
\ GO TO CANADA AND TO CHILL IN TORONTO

SIT IN A  BOOK  SHOP AND READ  
CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS  ETC,


IT REALLY SEEMS AS IF I WILL HAVE TO LIVE WITH

THIS ILLNESS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I WANT TO DANCE ON INDIAN MUSIC IN CANADA, 
BUT WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT GOD?
I AM SICK OF THIS BLOODY LIFE AND I DONT WANT TO LIVE!.



THIS IS THE BITTER TRUTH,.  BYE

Sunday, February 21, 2016

I HAVE GONE THROUGH HELL ALL MY LIFE.JANUARY AND FEBRUARY, 2016.SOME ONE HELP ME, I WANT TO PARTY ALL NIGHT IN NEW YORK CITY......WHEN WILL MY SUFFERINGS END?


 some one please help me
 i dont know what is happening to me
the only think i know is that i am going  crazy please God spare me of all these miseries?
 i was in bangkok two weeks ago and i had a really lovely time; i was in bangkok and in pattaya
 i loved the night life and rocked the dance floor on some nice music.

i was partying all  night ; long in the night clubs./.

 coming back to the point
 i am very un well
 i have been suffering from this mental illness since 8 years  , 5 months and 7 days.
 enough is enough.

 i have this bloody obsessive compulsive disorder and i hear these bloody  voices.
 i really miss the heart of bangkok and love it.
 i have been  going through hell for more than 2 weeks and i dont know what i have done wrong to deserve these miseries.;
i have compulsions and i hear voices almost every day.
 the compulsions go on and on/
 i have to close all the switches , taps and windows in my step fathers house in ,lahore.
 i  have to close all the taps and switches in my grand parents house in  in lahore.
 i have to close switches and taps at my grandfathers brothers house in  in lahore.
 i have to close taps at a filteration plant  which is actually a building  with taps  near my step fathers house in lahore.
 i  have to close all the switches and taps at my step fathers farm in the outskirts of lahore.
 i have to  close switches at my grand mothers brothers house in lahore/; i have to close switches and taps at a school in lahore where my mother out me to study computers and english.

i have to close taps at the daewoo bus stop in lahore.
 i have to  close taps at the bathroom at bherra  which is a place between lahore and islamabads motorway.

i  have to close the taps at the bathroom next to the readings book shop in lahore.
  i have to close the switches in a clothes shop in lahore where my mother took me to buy clothes
 and this bloody list goes on and on and i ma bloody ill.
t;this is a deadly cyce which drives me insane.
enough is enough.
; i am bloody ill.
 i hear voices which tell me that the world is unreal and that the whole world is a setup and that every one is against me and that they are all coming to get me and that they all know what i am doing and thinking/
; they are all part of  the set up they tell me. i dont know what to do/; i feel very depressed and miserable.; what can i  do?
i miss new york , the heart of toronto and the streets of bangkok.
i miss london
i miss kathmandu
i miss singapore.; this illness has ruined very thing.
; my nerves are too weak to tolerate all this crap


 i have to suffer so much.
 i loved the party scene of bangkok.
 please some one help me

 i dont want to live.

 i cant live and i cant die.
 what can i do
nothing can be done.

 i have heard voices many many times in the last two weeks and  the list of compulsions goes on and on.
 my mother made me talk to a sufi saint who told me that some one had done some great black magic on me and that some one had cursed me., i hear voices many time and i want to die.; i really miss the heart of bangkok and i am sick of this bloody country , pakistan. so is it true that some one has done black magic on me
?

 i go through hell very bloody day of my life.
i go through agony every day/
how can God allow this to happen /
as i said before  , i really miss bangkok.
 the voices drive me insane/ no on cares about me , i dont want to live. i have been tolerating this nonsense since the last 8 bloody years and  i can not take this crap any more/
 i want to go to canada or america  or to rock the dance floor in bangkok.
 i really love the night life of bangkok.;
; no one gives a fuck and i have to suffer so much.
\; so is it true that some on  has cursed me to done black magic on  me?.
; it seems as if the whole world is a setup and that every  one is against me.
 nothing can be done.

 i have gone through hell all my life and i have done nothing wrong,
; as i said before no one cares a fuck.
 pakistan sucks and i want to rock the dance floor in bangkok.
 i want to party in new york city , i might go to brazil for the olympics in august  , 2016. 
 the truth is that i will have to live with this illness for the rest of my bloody life.;
  i have to become a writer.
 life is too miserable and these sufferings will never end,
 they will never end.
 and no one can stop god from making people suffer so much?

 whats the point of making people suffer so much?

if god can end all the evil and suffering then why dosent he/
 we have been sent to this world to rot and to suffer.
 i have to go through so much pain and to suffer so much/
i  get a severe pain in my head. the  Voices go on and on/; dont you get it joshwa
this is all part of a setup.; dont  you get it, they are all coming to get you
you must close the switches!
 you must close the taps!/.
 i have to go to nathiagalli which is city in northern pakistan and to close the taps in the bathroom and the switches. in the room in  the hotel.
i went there a few years ago and have issues to close the taps and switches.

; i dont know when i will be cured of this illness?.

i had gone to lahore for two days from islamabad and heard voices many times and i bought some books.
Dan Barker is my  very good friend.
he is sending his latest book to me through mail.
i miss the times sqaure in new york and i miss bangkok while listening to maroon5 .
they put me into a mental health hospital in bangkok.
i want to party and rock the dance floor in new york,toronto and bangkok.
i will be tha happiest person alive when this illness ends but it seems as if this illness will never end.

God is responsible and is to be blamed for all the miseries and sufferings in this world , enough is enough.
i thank my lucky stars as i come to islambad.
i attended the lahore  literature festival and met ahmed  rashid.
i want to party in bangkok and new york as well as toronto.
i am going to brazil for the olympics in august and i want to stop .in new york as well,if we have the money that is.

i have many books on my readings list like
"restless" by william boyd.
"the tipping point " by malcom gladwell/
'the last juror" by john grisham.

i have to  read
sam harris book 'the end of faith ,religion,terror and the future of reason' again.
i am madly in love with this writer sam harris and would like to meet him one day.

i miss london.

i want to go to times square in new york city and to chill , i really miss bangkok and all the great times i had over there.
so i will be going to brazil for the olympics/
i have to become  a writer and sell billions of copies.

it is my dream to meet sam harris and michel onfray but christopher hitchens passed away.
i have read michel onfrays book/.
i saw  a UFO (unidentified flying object)
in my dream a couple of days ago.


UPDATE:
i missthe heart of new york and i have been able to fight and to control the compulsions but they still bother me , lets hope that iam cured of this illness and can live a happy life.

life is too miserable and we are here to rot and suffer,
i like  reading books by michel onfray , sam harris and irshad manji.
should watch the X Files.
?

i was in bangkok and pattaya and rocked the dance floor , i like listening to music and partying in the far east.
it seems as if the sufferings and miseries will never end.
i am friends with feryal ali gauhar.

i met ahmed rashid in lahore.
i love all the books i have in  my room.


one day i hope that i will be cured of this illness and will celebrate and enjoy in hawaii with my mothers sister on an indian song.

i miss the hotel of malaysia and the night clubs  of pattaya and bangkok.

i want to party all  night long in bangkok and go to new york city.

i have been suffering from this  mental illness since more than 8 years .
when will i be cured of this illness?

the other question is that will i be rid of all this shit or not?.

UPDATE
i really hope that one day i will be   cured of this shitty illness.
i still want to rock the dance floor in new york city and i am sick of this fucking pakistan/
the news is that i am better/
i read
"brain on fire"  by susannah cahalan.
i bought this from new york city last year and read it in one day.
its about a  girl in new york city in 2009
'she talks about   times square.
she end up in a hotel  with no memory where she has come from..
it was a very intersting read.

then i read "end of faith"

its called"the end of faith" , religion , terror and the future of reason."


its my dream to meet sam harris.
 and i read this book for a  second time and dan barker might send me  another book by sam harris called "letter to a christain  nation"  , i read
' the shadow of the wind.

it is  a novel by a spanish writer and it was just lovely , i read it is 2 days. , /i Loved reading these books  .

on my list i have "the God delusion"

by richard dawkins  which is available every where in pakistan which is strange , then i have " the last juror" by john grisham and then i have
" the Bride" by Bapsi Sidhwa'


i still miss bangkok and want to rock the dance floor in  new york city.

i really hope that i am cured of this illness  one day ,\\



i read 'the end of faith'
by sam harris  again and I LOVED it like any thing and

Dan Barker might send me his other book by  mail from america called
"letter to a christian nation"

i read ' bride" by bapsi sidhwa   today and it was terrible.
i have many books on my reading list like
"why i am not a muslim'  by ibn warraq, i bought it two years ago from a book shop in toronto.
i still have "God delusion"

by richard dawkins.
might read "a golden age" by tahmima anam..

'
what can i possibly do?
i am very good friends with Athiest writer Dan Barker and have  gotten dozens of email from him.


i want to  fix the compulsions and fuck off from this bloody country pakistan and live in america/.
I  SOME ONE HELP PLEASE   BYE


DANIAL TANVIR
2016