MY LIFE IS HELL WITH THE VOICES AND COMPULSIONS , WHY CANT THESE SUFFERINGS JUST END?. GOD?.

it is danial tanvir here,i am 32 years old and i am from pakistan.i am mentally ill and i suffer from mental illness.and i have obsessive compulsive disorder and schizophrenia.i hear voices  and i have compulsions and i have been unwell for nearly 19 years , as i have been suffering and have had this illness since august 2007 and this is too much.i dont know what to do and i just want to die, and i dont know why god makes people suffer so much for no reason?,now what is the point of  making people suffer so much?. as i go through hell and have to suffer a lot and i dont want to live any more. why does god make people suffer?. i dont know that why there is so much misery in the world and why does god make people suffer so much for no reason?. why cant god just end all the sufferings and misery in the world?. i have always wanted to write and to become a writer!. i am a big fan of the author christopher hitchens who passed away and also michel onfray who is the french writer. i love to read and have always wanted to be a writer and i  have lived in pakistan  most of my life.i have spent half of my life in lahore, pakistan and the other half in islamabad , pakistan but more in the city of my birth which is lahore in pakistan.  i have been suffering from so many years and the sufferings have no intentions of stopping or leaving me alone,and i dont know what to do. my father syed tanvir abbas jafri passed away on the 2nd of september 2025 in the paf hospital  in islamabad , pakistan. it did not hit me that hard but after a few months it really did hit me hard. i was in the hospital when my beloved father was dying and he took me all over the world , my baba.he took me to bangkok, thailand alone 14 times and many other countries in addition to that. now why is there so much misery in the world?,and i just want to die and not live any more,as a matter of fact i love to write  and also to read books. i was with my mother mahrukh butt in lahore in pakistan which is the city of my birth as i told you. any ways every one, coming back to the topic. it was that bastard doctor who was my mothers brothers friend who told my mother to put me in the dammed clinic. the bloody clinic here in lahore, pakistan messed up my life and ruined every   thing and after the clinic , my condition became at least 4 to 5 times worse than it already was. it was a clinic here in lahore in pakistan, the country I am from. and i was there for adzactly 40 days, the first day i went there, is  started shouting  and then there were 4 men who abused me and took my mobile from me ,one day i had  a fight with a person and the staff over there told me that they will tie me up with ropes and put injection in my body. it was really worse than hell and i went through a lot of trauma and msiery due to the clinc  and they kept me for 40 days not because they wanted to treat me but because they wanted to make money. the doctors and the staff were bastards and i had so many compulsions over there and also heard voices. i was admitted on the 7nth of november 2025 and go out on the 17nth of december 2025 and that too after  along ordeal. They charged us 10 to 11 lakh rupees for 40 days and did nothing but made my condition several times worse.and my step father paid that money and it was terrible and i could have gone to thailand or malaysia in that much money and look what happened. i missed my father very much when i was over there. when i got out of the dammed clinic ,  i came back to the house in zaman park and i was over there, i ran away from the house in zaman park and then my fathers relative came to save me but i wanted to go to my fathers nephews house in  rawalpindi in pakistan. my hands were trembling and my feet were bleeding and i could hear the azaan from the mosque in the background. then i was angry with my  mother for putting me in the clinic so i said bad things about her to people on whatsapp, and then she found out and i was trying to contact my fathers friends to get me out of there and i was in the bathroom when i heard my stepfather tell me mother to tell her to tell her brother to send me to the mad house and he said this in urdu. i again ran away from the house but then came back and encountered my step father and my mothers brother who sent me to go and live in the servant quarter of the zaman park house which was not fit for pigs. i stayed there for more than 5 to 6 day and then i was able to go back to the house and my step father came and said that he will send me to fountain house which is a mad house in lahore here in pakistan. Then I was sent to the servant quarter again. i stayed there for a total of 10 days and my  mothers brother said that i will have to stay  there for 2 long months but my mother came and saved me , as i said that the servant quarter was not fit for pigs and was a terrible place to be in . Then the doctors who were bastards at the clinic messed around with my medication and my life had become hell. my whole body used to tremble with pain and misery.They had kept a person who was 10 years younger than me to take care of me and he was with me all along. it is so difficult to do compulsions and imagine how difficult it would be to do it in that condition, and then my whole body used to tremble with pain for hours and I used to fall from one place to another. It was january 2026 and there were winters and it was so cold and then my mother came and saved me and brought me upstairs to the proper house. then we went to shaikh zayed hospital to meet the doctors who were seeing me in the clinic, i have not gotten so much pain in my body in my whole life and that pain was due to the changes in the medication that the doctors did when i was in the dam clinic. and then i went through hell in the coming months and i really missed the city of islamabad in pakistan which is my home and although lahore in pakistan is the city of my birth. 2026 is the year in which i have suffered the most, i heard voices for hours every day and  got headaches and of course the compulsions. my life has become hell after the clinic and has become intolerable, i am also good friends with dan barker who is ab american writer and is known. i miss the times i had in hawaii in the united states of america with my mothers sister in july 2003. i like indian music and stuff like that. i belive in aliens and life outside earth!. i have always wanted to become a writer and love to write, when i listen to the music , i miss my father and i also miss the party scene of bangkok, thailand. i also admire the city of islamabad in pakistan very much. i used to be lying on the bed in my room there in zaman  park and i used to be hearing voices for nearly 11 hours a day and getting headaches and also having compulsions which were terrible. now lets talk about important things, so as i told you that the compulsions  started,they told me that if i dont do them then something very bad will happen to me  like someone will throw acid on me for a long time or shoot me in the head many times or bury me alive or stab me in both the eyes and the list went and goes on and on. i used to spend hours and hours doing the compulsions in lahore in pakistan.and apart from that i spent hours doing compulsions like going from my room to my mothers bath room 100 or even 200 times a day and inapril  2026 , i was  doing the compulsions like going from my room to my mothers bath room for around 17 to 18 hours non stop, Do you think  that the compulsions can get any worse than that?. the voices are so bad and the compulsions are even worse than the voices so imagine how bad that would be and the clinic was so bad and the servant quarter was even worse than that so imagine how bad that could be,yes seriously. and then i spent most of my time in lahore in pakistan which is the city of my birth and where i was born. i really missed the city of islamabad in pakistan which i consider my home and true love, and i made several trips to the capital city of pakistan. on the 1st of july 2026 , i was having compulsions to go up and down the stairs in the zaman park house where i have lived for quite many years and then my step father got angry and started beating me up and took a stick from his work shop and started beating me up and he also said to me that he will shoot me in the head with a pistol and also he  told my mother that i could no longer live in the zaman park house so i went to islamabad the capital city of my country , pakistan  and i lived at my fathers relatives house in rawalpindi in pakistan, I am very close to him and he cares about me. i am bloody well sick of every thing and i want to be abducted by aliens and when i was 9 years old , the angel gabriel came in my dream and i have also met aliens in my dreams, i was abused, masturbation is bad you know and i was abused!. so the compulsions bother me all the time and they tell me that if i dont do the compulsions then some one will throw acid on me for a long time or shoot me many times or bury me alive or stab me in the eyes and the list goes on and on, and I heard voices for many hours and got headaches in addition to being prediabetic because I eat too many sweet things as I have  a sweet tooth!. i dont know when these bloody suffering will end and i have just had enough and i just want to die!. I like the restaurants and shopping malls of Islamabad , pakistan!. i spent around 25 days in islamabad in my country pakistan and i then came back to lahore , pakistan and my mother rented  a house for me in cantt where i am right now!. i have not sat in a plane in 1 year and 3 months and the last time was when i went to karachi in pakistan with my father in april 2025. the 25 days i spent in islamabad / rawalpindi in pakistan were not that bas as i went to the old book shop 3 times, and went to the centuaras shopping mall a couple of times and i was living at my fathers relitives house whom i am very close to and i was in the building when i had a compulsion to go in the lift around 30 to 40 times and i went half mad!. i really do want to travel somewhere to some country or even to Karachi in pakistan and do really miss the great times i had with my father in Bangkok, Thailand and how we rocked the dance floor. Now why does god make people suffer and why can't these sufferings just end?. a few days ago i was at my house in cannt and i was hearing voices and about to collapse in the bath room and i just could not take it any more, and the voices talk to me, dont you get it joshwa?. they are all watching you, they are all coming to get you, you are nothing but a coward, a coward who wants to kill himself. i love to write articles for pakistani newspapers!. i have always wanted to be publsihed in the dawn newspaper!. i really miss bangkok , thailand as a matter of fact and i want to go back there and party all night long in the night clubs of bangkok in thailand. but no my father is no more. the city of lahore in pakistan is where i was born and have lived more of my life as compared to islamabad in pakistan which is my home. i really miss the partys that my father used to have at khudadad hieghts in islamabad in pakistan where we used to live and the party started at 10 at night and went up until 4 in the morning and poeple were coming and dancing the night away. and we had a great time in bangkok , thailand and i really miss it while lisetning to nice music, i love to read books and also to write as a matter of fact. sexual things are bad you know , bad things happened to me. but i love my country pakistan. my mother mahrukh butt is with me so since i got kicked out of the zaman park house , i am living i a rented house in cantt. i really want to travel some where on the plane for instance to karachi in pakistan and go to liberty books and buy a couple of books or to go to the dolmen mall and go to teh clifton beach anc chill. and i do want to go to america , to my mothers sister who is in florida and go to the barnes and noble. i dont know why but i still do really miss the great times that i had with my father in bangkok, thailand, on the 2nd of september 2025 , when my father was dying in the hospital , that same say i was hearing voices and i was going mad , and then it was his funeral th enext day . you know my father used to buy me books from the book shops of bangkok , thailand, if it was a cruise on the bahamas or the night life of bangkok or dubai , my father made me enjoy and did every thing for me, i would love to meet michel onfray and also sir salman rushdie. i always wanted to go to india, and also i have always wanted to become a writer, and all the people who were bad to me , well to hell with them. maybe i should get married to a nice girl who takes care of me and then i can go to nepal and do paragliding. i dont know when these sufferings will end or even if they will or not. sex is bad and masturbation is also bad!. i love to travel and also to party. i might want to get married to a nice girl and travel with her and then she can take care of the voices and compulsions, as a matter of fact i love to write, i do miss my father and th elovely times we had in bangkokk thailand and how we rocked the dance floor, as you know that the compulsions are always bothering me. i dont know what to say or what to do , my life is hell and i have suffered so much and i really do need some happy moments!.  I HEAR VOICES AND HAVE COMPULSIONS, THEY TELL ME  THAT IF YOU DON'T DO THE COMPULSIONS THEN SOME ONE WILL THROW ACID ON YOU,IF YOU DON'T DO THE COMPULSIONS SOME WILL SHOOT YOU,IF YOU DON'T DO THEM , SOME ONE WILL BURY YOU ALIVE,OR STAB YOU  OR INJURE YOU OR PUT YOU IN JAIL OR ALL THE THINGS WILL HAPPEN TOGETHER AND MY LIFE IS HELL! MY LIFE IS HELL AND I HAVE TO SUFFER SO MUCH, I HEARD VOICES FOR HOURS EVERY DAY AND THE COMPULSIONS BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME, I MUST HAVE HEARD VOICES HUNDREDS OR EVEN THOUSANDS OF TIMES IN MY LIFE AND THE COMPULSIONS BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME. WHY CANT THESE SUFFERINGS JUST END?. I WANT TO LIVE IN AMERICA?. I WANT TO GO TO HAWAII AND LISTEN TO INDIAN MUSIC. I WANT TO MEET GOD AND GO TO THE MOON TO BE ABDUCTED BY ALIENS, MY LIFE IS WORSE THAN HELL, WHAT IS THE POINT OF MAKING ME SUFFERO SO MUCH?. WHAT COULD BE GOOD BEHIND ALL THESE SUFFERINGS?. I MISS THE HEART OF BANGKOK, THAIALND AND ALSO MY FATHER WHILE LISTENING TO NICE MUSIC, OH GOD?. WHY CAN'T THESE SUFFERING JUST END?.PLEASE GOD!.

MY LIFE AND MY STRUGGLES!.

As you know, I hear voices and have compulsions. I have obsessive compulsive disorder and schizophrenia, it seems like it is a curse or black magic rather than a mental illness you know. I have no idea what happens to me and I have been suffering for years and I have no idea why this happens or what caused it to happen!. I have been suffering since august 2007 which means that its been more than 18 years and 5 months and i have been hearing voices and having compulsions since more than 15 years. I am 32 years old and I am from pakistan. I can't take it any more. why does god make people suffer so much There is no point in making me suffer so much for no reason. my father passed away on the 2nd of september 2025 at the age of 75 in islamabad pakistan and then i came to lahore pakistan. It was that idiot friend of my mothers brother who advised that I be put in the clinic here in Lahore , pakistan. I went through hell in the clinic. I was admitted on the 7nth of november 2025 and i got out on the 17nth of december 2025 which means that i spent 40 days over there. I went thorugh hell at the clinic. my voices and compulsions increased by several times. I was abused and tortured over there. They told me that they will tie me up with ropes and put an injection into my body. The clinic was very bad and worse than hell and I heard voices every day over there and my compulsions increased by many many times. I was put in a room where I had to stay and the staff and people were very bad to me and these idiot doctors came to see me every day and talked bullshit!. I am so angry with that idiot doctor who told my mother to put me over there and I am coping up with the consequences of being out there till now . The doctors did not know shit how to treat people with mental illnesses and they were just interested in making money and were money minting machines. There was a boy staying with me to take care of me who comes to our house now everyday. I really miss Islamabad, Pakistan and I really miss my father and all the great times I had with him in Bangkok , thailand. I eventually left the clinic. I hear voices almost every day and I must have heard them thousands of times in my whole life and the compulsions bother and black mail me all the time. i want to become a writer and i dont want to live in pakistan and in fact i want to live in some western country. The compulsions black mail me every minute of every day. i have compulsions if i dont do a certain compulsions then something bad will happen like something bad will happen to someone or to me. like someone will throw acid or be put in jail or go blind or will be buried alive or i will be shot in the head of be critically injured. i have just had enough of my share of sufferings and i can't take it any more. and it had crossed the limits. The clinic was terrible. I came back home to my step father's house here in Zaman park in Lahore , pakistan. I was very frustrated and angry and I am still getting very angry now because I have just had enough. all these years suffering is not a joke you know. I came back home after the clinic and so many people were bad to me. it has crossed the limits and has become too much to control I have no idea if this shit will end one day or not So many people have been bad to me and I have suffered so much and no one cares and no one is bothered. i got sick of everything and then i had just had it with the voices and the black mailing compulsions and the stuff. i wrote bad things to people about my mother and my step father and whatsapped it to people and then some idiot person who knew my father sent the messages to my mother and then my step father and my mothers brother got annoyed and wanted to punish me by sending me to the servant quarter here in zaman park in lahore pakistan and the servant quarter was not fit for pigs and they wanted to send me to the mad house . I stayed at the servant quarter for 6 days and it was terrible and I had many compulsions over there and then I came back up stairs and then after a gap of 4 days I was sent there again for not following the routine . it was cold and i was sent there for 10 days exactly okay and i had to live there and it was terrible. i started getting and having compulsions to go to the toilet which was not fit for pigs as a matter of fact the servant quarter was not fit for pigs. i had to do compulsions over there like going to urinate in the toilet 80 to 90 times a day and to close switches and taps and to break locks and other stuff. i had to take off a metal bar in the toilet which is made to keep clothes on and then i had to remove a metal object from the nail which was not getting off and then they came and out another metal var to hold the clothes on. and then the person stayed with me who kept taking care of me. i had too many compulsions over there and it was worse than hell and i had the black mailing compulsions. What happens next is that I start getting extreme excruciating pain all over my body . I have not felt so much pain in my body in my 32 years of existence and this is the first time it happened. I was having many, many compulsions just in Zaman Park in Lahore , Pakistan and not talking about the countless compulsions in other places in pakistan. I was having compulsions here and there and they were screwing me like hell!. I used to urinate in my bed in the servant quarter several times a day and I used to fall from one place to another and get stuck after falling in places and my whole body was trembling and I could not do anything and I couldn't even do anything . It was winter and it was cold and there was a bonfire put in the room and I could have fallen on the bonfire and burnt my face so who would have been responsible if that happened. I used to get stuck due to the body pain. and then i went to the hospital to see 2 doctors. I liked one of them but the other one was an idiot and a fraud. my mother then brought me upstairs to her room on the 10th day. I came back from the servant quarter. actually. the voices are so bad and the compulsions are even worse than the voices so imagine how bad they could be and the clinic was so bad and the servant quarter was even worse than that so imagine how bad that could be. I am going through hell and god is doing this to me. why?. I am in Lahore , Pakistan right now and I am missing Islamabad , Pakistan like hell and I really want to go over there and I really want to travel to some other countries as I have not been out of the country for more than 3 years. I had to go to the servant quarter on the 1st of january 2026 and got out on the 10nth of january 2026 but the original plan of my step father and my mothers brother was to keep me there for 2 months actually. I have been hearing voices every day for the last 3 weeks and I hear them for several hours every day and they dont end and I have no control over them whatsoever. I have always wanted to become a writer, you know. and no one cares about me at all. I have done nothing wrong and why do I have to suffer so much that I wish that I die. I said bad things about my step father and my mother because she took me to the clinic and he also did stuff. the doctors at the clinic did not know shit how to treat people with mental illness and they were just interested in making money and they were and are money minting machines. i dont know what to do and i have no idea when this bull shit will end. I have been having so many black mailing compulsions and they bother me every minute of every bloody day and I can not tolerate it any more and my tolerance level has expired. something bad will happen if i dont do the compulsions you know and i believe in these voices and really think that that will happen. I have been taking medicines for years but it does not help. previously they used to black mail me that something bad will happen to some one like my mother mahrukh butt or to my fathers nephews daughter eshal zahra but now the thing had changed and now they tell me that something bad is going to happen to me if i dont do the compulsions like someone will throw acid on me and burn me or someone will shoot me or critically injure me and i dont think that anyone would want that to happen to them!. I believe and trust the voices and I have no control over them whatsoever as I said before. I hear voices every day and the compulsions bother and screw me all the time. I am getting very angry and I want to die and I have just had more than enough of my share of sufferings. it had actually crossed the limits. you know one can go mad listening to these voices every day for hours and having compulsions all the time and the fact that they black mail you that something bad will happen if you don't do them. and i am having compulsions at that bloody clinic and then i went to that doctor who was seeing me at the clinic with my mother and the person who has been kept to take care of me and i had a compulsion that if you dont go over there again after the month of ramzan and after eid and that too go with your mother and the person who was kep to care of you then something very bad will happen to you like someone will throw acid on you or critically injure you or shoot you in the head and i dont think that anyone on this planet earth would want that to happen to them. this is worst than hell you know and I have no idea if I will be cured of this or not. will I have to suffer like this for the rest of my life or will this ever end?. i can't even die and i can't live then what can I do?. The doctors are all frauds and they dont know anything. this had actually become a joke in my life, these bloody voices and compulsions. now if i dont think of ending my life then what the hell should i or can i do?. Maybe I should go to america. I hear voices every day for hours and have compulsions which black mail me all the bloody time. i was sleeping in my mothers room today and i was using the mobile and the charging was 99% and the voices told me that if she comes out of the toilet and the charging is not 98% then some one will throw acid on 99% of your body and she did come out before that and now i dont know whats going to happen. this is getting out of control you know!. I dont know!. I have always wanted to become a writer in my life. you know that when I was 9 years old in 2003 , the Angel Gabriel came in my dream. I want to travel the world and meet different people. I dont know when this shit will end. I hear voices all the time and I must have heard them thousands of times in my life. Those were the best days of my life when I was in Hawaii, which are islands of the united states of america with my mother and my mothers sister in july 2003. I have had some of the greatest times of my life in Bangkok , Thailand with my father where he took me a total of 14 times actually. i am hearing voices everyday and i am having compulsions in countless places in pakistan and also in different cities and in people houses and also in lahore pakistan and in zaman park where i live at my step fathers house in lahore pakistan and also in the clinic where i was put in and in the doctor's office near the clinic , the doctor who does not know any thing that how to treat people with mental illness. It seems as if someone had cursed me or done black magic on me . I take medicines but still this nonsense does not end or leave me alone. What can I possibly do?. i dont have the guts to kill myself and I do know the fact that as long as I live then I will have to suffer like this. I dont deserve to suffer like this at all. I deserve to be happy and enjoying myself. this is all just worse than hell. I also get obsessive thoughts and I have to worry about where things start from and they also bother me. I have no idea when this bull shit will or ever end and will let me die in peace. I dont know!. every day I hear voices and have compulsions which black mail me that something bad will happen if i dont do the compulsions and I go through this every day and i go to sleep every day with the same angry and the same misery every single day and this is what happens. this has become a bloody joke in my life and i know that someone evil is behind this and had done this to me and the person who has done this to me should either be burnt alive or made to suffer from what i have gone through for 18 years and five months and I mean it!. I want to go to sleep and I want this god to come in my dream or the aliens who will come and take me to another planet or something like that. I dont deserve to suffer like this at all and in fact i deserve to be happy. i am a good person and i have not done anything wrong and i dont deserve to suffer like this at all. this has crossed the bloody limits and has tested my tolerance level and why can't all this nonsense and shit just end and leave me alone so that i can lead a normal life like everyone else and i become a great writer which i have always wanted to do in my bloody life?. Will this ever even end?. what a cruel and unfair god he is to make me suffer so much for all these years!. this has really been enough and i have had more than enough of my share of sufferings and i can't take it any more and no one cares about me and no one is bothered that what happens to me and So many people take advantage of me and are bad to me and say bad and mean things to me and dont care about me like I make excuses about my mental illness. i can assure you that if these people go through even half of what i go through for one month , i am telling you that they won't be able to take it!. I am telling you that if it was someone else who was suffering from this shit , that person would have killed him or herself years ago and wont be able to take it and it is only me who is coping up with this nonsense for so many years, I have been suffering for so many years and I am tolerating it quietly and they say that there is something good behind bad things , I just want to say that what the hell is good about suffering endlessly for so many years and going through hell!. there is nothing bloody well good about it whatsoever!. It seems as if these sufferings are not going to end and that I will have to live like this for the rest of my damn life. I dont want to give myself false hopes by saying that this will end. i am the one who is crazy and mad that I have been coping up with all this crap for so many years and have been suffering. Now what the hell is all this?. hearing voices and having compulsions?. not even a single day passes by without me hearing voices and the compulsions black mailing me. I am being black mailed by them every minute of every bloody day and the only thing I do is to hear voices and have compulsions. they black mail me that they will throw acid or put me in jail or get me blind or shoot me in the head or critically injure me and the list goes on and on. i dont want the fanatic to come and get me. 65% of my life is spent suffering from this crap. and I want to travel to some countries like Thailand and to America and I want to go to Islamabad , Pakistan and I also want to go to Karachi , Pakistan. Pakistan is my own country after all and I love it although it has a horrible country with no law and order and religous intolerance. nothing can be done about it you know!. I was hearing voices and having compulsions and I got extreme body pain for 10 to 15 days and they were black mailing me that if I dont do the compulsions then I will get 100 times the body pain that I got or my mother will get 100 times the body pain or I will be buried alive for several years or my mother will be buried alive for several years. I am saying all this because it is true , you know it's very true , this is what is happening to me!. do you think that I deserve to suffer like this for so many years and that too suffering endlessly?. Why can't I just be normal like everyone else?. I miss my father very much and he passed away and left me alone. please come back Baba , I want to go to bangkok , thailand with you and party all night long on some nice music in the night clubs of bangkok, thailand!. I really love all of my fathers friends and I know that my father loved me very much and he took me all over the world. He did everything for me. when my father passed away on the 2nd of september 2025. It did not hit me then but it's hitting me now after all these months as I am writing this today and it is the 9nth of february 2026 today!. I love to read books and I love to write , it is my passion to do this you know!. I love to write articles for the Pakistani newspapers as Pakistan is my country and I want to write several books and become a writer!. Now why is god making my life hell?. What is the point of making me suffer so much for no reason whatsoever?. Please can someone answer my question?. I can only hope for the best and that one day this bull shit and nonsense will end. i do believe in aliens and the flying saucers and they do exist you know , and I want them to come and meet me and take them to their own planet or to take me aboard a spaceship or something like that. The aliens did come in my dream around 7 to 8 months ago and met me, now this is not a joke , aliens do exist and are for real and the american goverment is covering up these things and does not want the public to know. some people say that I should get married but I do not want to get married. I really do miss the heart of Bangkok , Thailand while listening to american music. I miss all the great times I had in Bangkok , Thailand with my father. We used to party all night long and in the past one month , my father did come in my dream a few times and I think that he knows that I am missing him!. and I can never forget the great times I had in various cities in Thailand with my father as we went there a total of 14 times!. now wont even be great if all this shit goes away huh?. how simple can life be without all these bloody voices and compulsions screwing me inside out and now that these sufferings have started , they might not end or will they end one day?. Hello there today is actually the 12th of february 2026 yesterday was worst than hell , i was in my bed and i heard voices for 9 bloody hours and it happened throughout the day and the compulsions were bothering and black mailing me and i was also getting a severe and a throbbing headache. I felt so angry and miserable. I felt like dying. this does not happen to every one then why does it happen to me. I then started thinking about god , aliens and the universe. i was firm in my belief that when i would go to sleep the angel gabriel would come in my dream and as i told you before that the angel gabriel came in my dream 23 years ago when i was 9 years old in 2003 when i was living at my grandparents house when they were alive in tech society which is a colony in lahore , pakistan!. I knew that the aliens would come and get me and take me to the moon where they have built secret civilizations under the moon and have their bases over there. or the angel Gabriel would come to get me or the buraq horse would come to get me with wings and it would take me to the heavens within minutes. I wanted to be abducted by aliens from Lahore , Pakistan and they would take me to the moon or they would take me to their own planet!. I am firm in my belief!. I want to travel to the moon and also the other planets where aliens live and I want to meet the aliens and I also want to meet the angel Gabriel and meet god and talk to him!. I want to meet god and talk to him!. i heard voices for 9 hours on the 11nth of february 2026 and i was getting a headache and having black mailing compulsions and then on the 15nth of february 2026 , I heard voices for 11 hours and I was getting a headache and having black mailing compulsions and then the next day I went to islamabad pakistan and then I had to go on one day and stay the next and come back the next day and then on the 20th of february 2026, I heard voices for 11 hours and was having a headache and having the black mailing compulsions. I just wanted to die . will the fanatics come to get me because of what I write?. i was having a compulsion that if for three days every day you dont go out of the house with your mother and make the person who works for you , you dont make him order KFC three days in a row and and dont make him put vaseline on your lips then someone will shoot you in the head and you will get 10 times the headache that you got and i went through worse than hell hearing voices and having the black mailing compulsions and getting a headache. I just wanted to end my life. for the first time in my life I thought of the fact that one day these sufferings would actually end!. I AM HEARING VOICES EVERY DAY FOR HOURS AND HAVING COMPULSIONS. ON THE 20TH OF FEBRUARY 2026, I HEARD VOICES FOR 11 HOURS AND WAS GETTING A HEADACHE AND HAVING COMPULSIONS IN COUNTLESS PLACES IN PAKISTAN WHICH WERE BOTHERING ME AND THEY WERE BLACK MAILING ME THAT IF YOU DON'T DO THE COMPULSIONS THEN SOMEONE WILL THROW ACID ON YOU FOR MANY YEARS OR SHOOT YOU IN THE HEAD AND YOU WILL GET 10 TIMES THE PAIN THAT YOU GOT FROM A HEADACHE OR SOME ONE WILL BURY YOU ALIVE OR GET YOU BLIND OR PUT YOU IN JAIL OR CRITICALLY INJURE YOU AND THE LIST GOES ON AND ON AND I AM SO FED UP THAT I JUST WANT TO DIE AND MY TOLERANCE LEVEL HAS EXPIRED , I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE. WHY IS GOD DOING THIS TO ME?. WHY CAN'T ALL THIS JUST END?.

when will the sufferings end?.....God, religion, philosophy, obsessive compulsive disorder,schizophrenia ,depression,aliens,UFOS(unidentified flying objects),mental illness,covid 19 ...and the life after death...the earth is just a tiny dot in the universe!... I AM SICK OF THIS MISERABLE LIFE AND I WANT TO DIE!.

MY LIFE IS HELL.

i am sick of this bloody life and i dont want to live.

actually we have been sent to this world to rot and to suffer.

i dont know when these sufferings will end or if they ever will end or not.

as you guys know that i have  schizophrenia and obsessive compulsive disorder and my life is basically hell.  i have been suffering from this dammed illness since august , 2007.

which means that it has been more than 13 bloody years that i have been putting on with this shit.

i dont know what wrong i have done to deserve this.

God makes me suffer so much for no reason what so ever.

i dont know what can be done.

i hear voices almost every day and the compulsions bother me all day long.

as you know i have to close taps and switches where ever i go and have to go to places again and again, go to cities again and again and afcourse to do things again and again.

this virus has really screwed up things as well,

i cant even travel any where.

there is madness every where.

THE COMPULSIONS.

now lets discuss the compulsions;

i have issues in a lot of places in lahore and some places in islamabad.

there are issues at bus stations in different cities of pakistan.

we had a driver stealing things from us so we sent him to the police so i had to go to the police office or the thanna.

so i have issues at the police office.

i have issues at various jails in pakistan like adiyala jail,much jail and landi kotal jail.

at the shos house and the drivers house.

this is in islamabad.

the same compulsions,

at kheragali , a city where my step fathers niece goes and at her husbands farm some where.

a restaraunt in multan where i went with my relative.

the same issues at my fathers friends house in islamabad.

and at the metro of islamabad.

then there are issues at different drivers and cooks we have had who work for us.

i do not have to take their names.

same at chakwal and kallar kahar.

issues at a clothes shop in lahore where my mother bought me clothes.

same at her tailor.

issues at   houses of  barbers in multan,chitral and lahore.

issues at a woman and mans house and working places from  where i got my pedicure done.

the same issues at my step fathers farm house.

same at my mothers brothers house in sialkot.

same at my grand mothers brother and another relatives house.

stuff at a girls house from the village who used to play with me and at the house of a servent my father knew.

same at the house of a person my friend took me to.

same stuff at my fathers friends house in islamabad and murree.

the same at a driver and a servants house we had working at our house a long time ago.

same at a doctors clinic my mother took me to and at the people of that clinic.

same at a school called bets my mother put me in.

stuff at a house of my mothers friend and also her house in khanpur.

stuff at the house of my grand mothers friend.

issues to go to the dentist.

issues at the houses of three of my relatives in lahore.

now these are the compulsions which are bothering me and are screwing me like any thing.

this is not all.

there are compulsions to close switches and taps at various cities in pakistan for example in multan,shiekhupura,sargodha,nathiagalli,bhurban,murree,muzzaffarabad,neelum valley,gilgit.

we went to nathiagalli in 2013 where we stayed at  a hotel and i have issues to close switches and taps in that bloody hotel room.

now the compulsions which are bothering me are the ones in different cities and in peoples houses.

issues at the village of my cousions husband who is my grand fathers sisters daughter. and also issues at fort abbas , which is a city where the relatives of my cousion  wife who is my mothers sisters son.

another compulsion is that at a  city in pakistan called chitral.

i went to chitral two times to my fathers nephews house where he works  and i had issues to close taps and switches  over there and stuff like that.

 the one deadly compulsions which is bothering me is the one at the village.

my father goes to a village near the city of faislabad every year to put flowers on his parents grave and i am having compulsion to go over there and this is bothering me like hell.

i really do try to fight the compulsions by telling them  to go to hell and telling my self that i do not have to  do any thing but they still bother me.

as you know that i hear voices every day and the compulsions bother me all the time.

there is always some compulsion or obsessive thought which is bothering me.

there must be countless places where i have compulsions to do stuff but i have not gone there or i do not know about them.

i am having issues to close taps and switches and to go to different cities in pakistan and all that stuff.

what the hell is all this?.

THE VOICES.

the voices are deadly and i hear them almost every day.

they go on and on.

some times when i am hearing voices , then i also start getting a headache and go insane.

nothing can be done basically.

they tell me that the whole world is un real and that they are all part of the setup and that every one is against me and are going to do some thing bad to me.

and they also tell me to commit suicide and no matter how hard i try , i am un able to control them.

they just happen and nothing can fucking be done about them.

this is what bloody happens:

dont you get it joshwa?.

they are all watching you.

they are all coming to get you.

you are nothing but a coward.

a coward who wants to kill him self.

just go to sleep joshwa?.

its all going to be over soon joshwa , its all going to be over soon joshwa?.

you think you can cheat us , well you cant , .

you are just making a fool of your self you moron.

its all your fault,

its all your fucking fault.

this will not end.

you will have to live with this illness for the rest of your life my friend.

HEART SINKING:

my heart sinks and i feel very miserable,depressed and suicidal.

i am also fat and diabetic and every thing is ruined in my life.

i have not been spared in any way.

god has done this to me,

all these sufferings , i mean that whats the point of making people suffer so much for no bloody reason?.

and the virus is also screwing the world and i cant even travel any where.

i want to find my self in hawaii with my mothers sister naureen safdar butt , listening to the soothing voice of A.R.Rahman.

i miss it when i used to sing bruce springsteen , dancing in the dark in 2013 out side the eaten center in toronto,canada.

i miss canada and also the heart and the night clubs and the book shops of bangkok ,thailand.

they will put you in the adiyala jail in rawalpindi and beat the crap out of you.

i was chilling on beach in thailand,

i have been to thailand 12 times and i was also in combodia and i liked that too,

actually i love the far east and i want to live in toronto,canada or new york city, in the united states of america.

i love reading books and i want to become a writer and be famous.

it seems as if i will have to live with this illness for the rest of my life.

 the writers i like the most include , christopher hitchens , michel onfray and you will not belive the fact that american author dan barker is my very good friend.

i have not met him but i get an email from him after every few days.

i was really thinking about life and wondering that what happens in life after death.

the world is full of sufferings and we will have to rot and suffer in this world of misery and injustice and there are aliens , my friends , they do exist.

i want to be abducted by aliens and the earth is just  a tiny dot in the universe.

why cant i live in america?.

i have to read all the christopher hitchens books and also read michel onfrays great book again.

and i have to meet michel onfray,david silverman,salman rushdie and also dan barker along with ian mcewan and hisham matar.

and some one told me that i should get married and i was like, to hell with.

i am very close to ariba asghar butt, who is my grand fathers brothers daughter.

her brother passed away at the age of 14 then her father and then her 2 year old daughter.

my father is tanvir jafri and my mother is mahrukh butt.

my step fathers sisters son is my very good friends , he is danish jahangir khan and he lives in bangkok.

i want to go to bangkok party all night long and go to the book shops and the night clubs and rock the dance floor like any thing.

right now i am in my flat in islamabad,pakistan.

i actually live with my father as my mother is in lahore with my step father and i have spent half of my life in lahore and half in islamabad.

will the sufferings ever end or not?.

we have a party at our house in islamabad every friday night and i have fun.

my father told me that when this bloody covid 19 ends, we will go to bangkok via kathmandu.

i love the night life and the book shops of bangkok as i said before and i loved it in combodia, malaysia and singapore.

bangkok is amazing but combodia is also good.

i have been to pattaya many times and i love the  beaches and night life.

i have to read shantaram.

i miss athens,greece.

i went there in 2004 and loved it.

i cant get enough of bangkok,thailand.

i want to party at the world famous khao san road and party and eat nutella  banana pan cakes and go to all the book shops and buy many books.

i took a cruise on the bahamas in 2015 with my father.

i want to sell a  billion copies of my book.

i would love  that to happen , i have to read a lot of books before that.

i want to get rid of all my sufferings and become a writer and travel the world signing books.

i hope my sufferings end one day and i can do what i want to do.

right now i am at my flat in islamabad,pakistan using the lap top in my room and my room is full of books and my bed and i really want to get rid of  thoes bloody compulsions and hit the roads and travel to some other country and to party all night.

i really do wonder that what happens in life after death indeed.

DANIAL TANVIR.

7NTH FEBRUARY,2021

ISLAMABAD,PAKISTAN.

I AM SICK OF THIS BLOODY LIFE , SOME ONE HELP PLEASE!.

my tolerance level has expired and what i mean by that is that i can not take these sufferings any more.

it has been twelve years that i have been suffering from this crap

i am in islamabad right now. 

i heard  voices yesterday and  i hear voices almost every day.

they tell me that the world is un real and that the whole world is a set up and that every one is against me and that they are all watching me.

i just can not take this any more,

enough is enough, i just want to die.

  

the voices go on and on,

dont you get it joshwa , this is all part of a set up?.

dont you get it ? they are all coming to get you?/

the voices can not be controlled no matter how hard i try to do that.

you guys might get angry that i repeat what i say and say it over and over again.

but cant help it  this is the illness i have and have   to suffer like this,

as i said before that this will not end.

i had gone to thailand for the new year and then i was in combodia for three weeks and then i was in qatar for four days.

the compulsions are the worst.

.there are nearly 100 places where i have issues to close taps and swithces in lahore and nearly 50 in islamabad.

we had a driver for many years and he had been steeling money and mobiles so we handed him over to the police but we later forgave him.

i will tell you that where i have compulsions.

the same taps and switches in my fathers village and at a police station near the village,

our driver had been stealing things so he was sent to the police station so i have issues there ,i had to make a couple of trips to that thanna or police station what ever it is.

and also at the drivers house and  at the SHOs house of the police station and different jails like the  adiala jail and the much jail and the landi kotal jail.

the same at  a hotel we stayed at in nathiagalli a city in pakistan where we stayed at inn 2013,the same at my grand fathers brothers sons wifes grand parents farm house in lahore.

the same at different cities like in gheragali , a city in northern pakistan where my step fathers sisters daughter  goes and also at her husbands farm house,

the same at my step fathers aunts house  in shiekhupura,a city in pakistan.

same at different cities like in a city called sargodha.

and gujranwala and saiwal and muzzaffarabad and neelum valley,peshawar and karachi and  srinagar.

same at some relatives house in kahuta , a city in pakistan.

same at my step fathers relatives

 house in outer lahore.

the same at a place called khanpur where my mothers friend has a house.

same at my step mothers friends flat in bhurban , a city in northern pakistan.

same at a house in murree of my fathers friend and the same at the house of a driver we had who came after the driver who stole our stuff. some stuff  at a place 

 called toba tek singh and tharparkar.

same at the house of my fathers servant who passed away in the village.

same at the house of a girl whom i used to play with me when i was a child ,she died in her village.

i went to multan to meet a relative so the bus stopped at a city  called  jhang where i have issues and then also at multan  , at a relatives 

 house and at a restaurant where i have issues where we went to to have food.


same at the house of the driver in multan , my  grand parents have had this driver since many years.

the compulsions bother me in lahore and islamabad in  addition to the compulsions in many cities in pakistan,.

i dont know what to say or what to do, now this is just worst than hell ,will this

 ever end?no one knows,.

so the thing is that there are issues to close taps and switches at many places in lahore , islamabad and many many places in pakistan.

i would like to express my love for thailand , bangkok inparticular/.

i have been there 11 times and i just love the night life and my  father is taking me again over there in december , if we have the money that is.

what can possibly be done?.

obviously god is to be blamed for all these miseries,  and i just cant take it any more, hearing  voices and the compulsions bothering me every day.

i dont do the compulsions but they bother me all the time and there must be many or countless



places where i  have to close taps and switches but i dont know about them or have not been there.

i just want to go and party all night long in bangkok and visit the book shops i like and chill   on the beach in pattaya,.

i want to enjoy my life in thailand and to live over there,.

but the problem is that we dont have enough money,.

i just want to die some times,.

will this illness ever end or not?.

i dont know what to say or what to do,

this is danial tanvir.

i hear voices and have compulsions.

right now i am in my flat in islamabad using the lap top on my bed.

i love reading books.

the writers i like  include christopher hitchens ,michel onfray,robert wright,david silverman and  on top of that i am very good friends with writer dan barker  and i get an email from him every other week.

i am what i am and  i have to become a writer.

i believe in aliens and i like the x files.

i dont know why god does this to me, how can this be allowed to happen?.

this is madness and this  is very unfair.

i have talked enough  about the voices and compulsions.

lets talk about nice stuff for example who much i love thailand and that means bangkok.

i was chilling on beach in thailand  which was in pattaya and then i was at times sqaure new york city.

salman rushdie came in my dream and christopher hitchens passed away.

i love the book shops

 of bangkok and my father and i hit the night clubs of bangkok.

we dont have that much money and i really do hope that i am able to go to bangkok for the new year.

when will the world end and when the sufferings of the people end?.

i dont know that and where does the universe keep on going and i am sure that there is life outside earth.

i am fucking sick of this bloody miserable life and i dont know what to do.

i love to read books and i get put off when i read a  book and  dont remember what i read in it but now i do remember what i read.

i have to buy books on religion from bangkok.

i know that thoes were the best days of my life when i was in hawaii with my mothers sister naureen safdar butt.

i have to read hundreds of books so i can write a bestseller  and a bestseller is inside me.

why were we made and what is the point of life?.

there is actually nothing to do in life but to suffer and rot.

this is what it is actually.

i just love the khao san road  in bangkok and i  cant get enough of it and
i just like to party all night long over there and i love the streets of bangkok and the  beaches of pattaya.

i love to read and i have a lot of books in my room.

coming back to the point , i hear voices almost every day.

  and the compulsions bother me all the time but i dont do them.

will i   really become a writer and sell billions of copies and will i  ever be cured of this illness?.

this is pure obsessive compulsive disorder and 

 it is schizophrenia.

i  also  feel very depressed and my heart sinks.

my health is being affected , i am fat and i eat too much and i am

 obese and diabetic and that is terrible.

i dont know what to do with this life i have been given.

what can possibly be done about this crap?.

i really do want to go to bangkok  to party.

the book shop i like the best is the 

 kinokuniya book shop in the siam paragon shopping mall in bangkok , thailand and buy books from there.

i have to go to lahore to discuss the compulsions with my mother and sort them out and then i might go to bangkok if we have the money.

UPDATE:i am sick of this bloody life and i dont want to live and i really want to go to bangkok,thailand.
i am sick of all this bull shit.

 SOME ONE HELP /

DO READ MY BLOG AND COMMENT!.

DANIAL TANVIR!.

i will have to live with this illness for the rest of my life it appears...why does god make people suffer?.i really want to go to america and live over there...cant wait to hit the night clubs of Bangkok man, and also the book shops of Bangkok !.

why is me life worst than hell?.i do not deserve to suffer like this and it is obvious that these sufferings will not end.

as i said that god is to be blamed for all these sufferings.

i had gone to malaysia and thailand in december.january and then i was in baku,azerbaijan and tiblisi,georgia. and then i was in bangkok two months ago.

i heard voices three times in one month and they were deadly also on my 25th birthday.

now lets discuss the compulsions

i might have said these before but i have to say them again.

this is the list of crap that i have to do.

THE COMPULSIONS.

ISLAMABAD ETC.

closing taps at my fathers university in islamabad.

.taps at

 a pertrol pump.

taps at my grand fathers sisters house in islamabad.

the same at my fathers nephews house.

taps at my step mothers house

taps and switches  at a rest house we stayed at in Peshawar of my fathers friends taimur. 

taps and switches at a rest house we stayed at in Karachi at my fathers nephews place hassan.

a tap at a market near where we live in islamabad.

the same stuff at f9 park.

the same at a glasses shop.

the same at an aunty maryams house.

taps at 2 macdonalds in islamabad .

the same at crown plaza hotel.

same at uncle luckys saloon.

same at aleeza auntys house

taps at a girl i knews house. the same at jahangir restaraunt.

taps at a food shop.

taps at various filteration plant in islamabad.

taps at my harmonium teachers house who is sarfaraz.

the same at a person called daniels house.

taps at a girls  house i know was was a  model.

taps and switches  at my english literature teachers house in islamabad.

the same at mister cod,an eating place.

taps and switches at pizza hut near saeed book bank  another restaurant near it.

taps at my teachers sumairas two houses.

switches and taps at the apartment we live at called khudadad hieghts.

taps at mega zone a place where there are shops.

some stuff at a tehzeeb market like taps and switches,\

some stuff at a market we used to go to pick up sarah aunty.

stuff at talmeez uncles house in rawalpindi.

stuff at my grand fathers sisters house in karachi.

and stuff at a town called kahota.

taps at an arts place i used to go to.

stuff at our driver sajjads house.

taps at two girls i know in islamabad.

taps at my law teachers   house , and also his new house if he has shifted from that house,and my sociology teachers  house as well as her new house if she has shifted from that house.

stuff at a girl called humairahs house.

taps etc at a  market I went to pick up sarah aunty   from.

taps at a vet shop where I went to get a dog many years ago/

taps at pizza hut  which is near saeed book bank ,in Islamabad as well as another restaurant near it.

taps at some girls hosues who are sania,uswa and urwa.

stuff at my friend hikmatayars house.

taps at a sufi saints house where i as taken .

taps and switches at allama Iqbal open university.

taps and switches at a dominos pizza shop in Islamabad.

taps and switches at an academy in Islamabad owned by a couple called the Uppals.
the same taps and switches at my maths , world affairs and psychology teachers houses in Islamabad.

taps and  switches at a restaurant in Islamabad where my fathers friend went to get food made .
taps and switches at a girl called mahi who came to our house as well as a model kim and also a model called urooj.


switches and taps of a girl called goria who comes to our house.
taps and switches at a girl I met at an academy where I used to study

and also taps and switches at another academy I studied at by my teacher.
taps and switches at a gym of  a person I met in Islamabad.
taps and switches at  a bakery where I went to get a pizza as well as taps and switches at a restaurant right opposite it.
taps and switches  at khudadad hieghts  where we live as well as as a tap at the market opposite it and taps and switches at a person called alis flat at khudadad hieghts.
taps and switches at a mosque near the shifa medical hospital in Islamabad.
taps and switches at a girl I knew who used to come to our house called urooj.
taps and switches at a girl called annas house who comes to our house.
taps and switches at the sauda sulf market.

have to give

 money to the barber for the hair cut although I gave him the money but have to give extra. and also money to give to the computer guy for fixing the computer although I gave him the money but have to give extra

taps and switches at the singer abida parveen and her sons house where I went to learn music.

.

money I have to give to a guy I went to buy a charger although I did not buy the charger.
taps and switches at my maths teacher taquirs house as well as other Urdu and islamiat teacher nazeers house.
taps and switches at  two girls houses  rabia and naina.
taps and switches at a physics teachers house at an academy I used to go to run by the uppals as well as taps and switches over there.
taps and switches at a house rented by a girl called humaira who used to live at our old house as she had a fight with another women and taps and switches at her house
taps and switches at 12 year old boys house who wrote in the exams for me.
taps and switches at a Christian teacher I had.
taps and switches at a man called cooky who come to our house.
taps and switches at imperial , I used to go to which is a school and  taps and switches at a girl called anums house.
taps and switches at  a pizza hut near the saeed book bank and a restaurant next to it.

taps and switches at ali saleems house and taps and switches at the parliament building where my father used to work in Islamabad.

taps and switches at two models who came to our house.
THE LAHORE COMPULSION


THESE ARE THE COMPULSIONS AND I HAVE TO DO ALL THESE LONG  LIST OF COMPULSIONS .

taps at a salon where i go to get my pedicure done.

taps at my old school called sisa.

taps at my grand mothers sisters sons old house in lahore as well as the new one.

same stuff at my mothers cousion hinas house.

taps and switches at my fathers village.

same at my mothers  cousion netashas  house.

taps at a tailor where my mother goes to get her clothes  fixed.

the same at my mothers friends shellas clinic.

same taps at a doctor i was taken to called jovinda.

same at my grand mothers brothers house.

same at a a school i was put in called bets.

same at my step fathers farm house in lahore.

same at the place where my  fathers brothers funeral took place.

same at a hotel we stayed at when i came back from bangkok.

taps at an architect where my mother went to.

taps and switches  at aitchison college where i used to study at in Lahore.

taps and switches at the buildings near Aitchison college in lahore

same at my fathers old house in a colony called geo are.

taps at punjab club.

taps at my maths teachers house.

taps at  at an academy i went to  to study.

taps at a friends house i had from aitchison.

taps at my fathers relative  shugufta auntys house.

taps at my relative hassan bhais house.

taps at my fathers brothers house.

taps and switches  at doctors  hospital  which is a hospital in lahore.

the same at my cousion shahrezes old and new houses.

taps and switches  at my grand parents house in tech society and the tap  at the entrance gate as well as tap at my grand  fathers brothers house and my cousion aribas husbands house and another tap in tech society  at the filteration plant.

another tap at the end street of tech society.

taps at  the daewoo bus stops  in between the stops of daewoo between lahore and islamabad and at all the stops.

taps at the readings book shop/

taps at the gulberg and other macdonalds.

same stuff at hotel we  stayed at during eid in lahore

taps at the filteration plant in zaman park.

a tap in the ground of zaman park.

taps and switches at my step fathers house in Lahore as well as windows in various rooms.

taps at geety auntys house, my step   fathers friend.

we went to sargodha which is a city in pakistan for a marriage and i have to close taps at that daewoo stop and taps at the marriage halls rooms

taps at nathiagalli where i went to years ago , i have to close them in a hotel, this compulsion has been bothering me since the middle of 2013

taps at a dentist.

taps at mayo gardens.

taps at my mothers friends marias house.

taps at my mothers brothers offfice.

taps at a doctor khalida tareen i have been taken to.

taps at the punjab univeristy.

taps and switches at a some ones house my grand mother knew in punjab university which is a university in Lahore.

taps at the accupunture clinic and at a doctor i was  taken to.

taps at a family memeber called salmans house.

taps at places in pakistan like muzzaffarabad,multan and saiwal.

taps at markets near my mothers friend humairah auntys house.

 taps at jinnah hospital.

taps at darakshan auntys house.

taps at my mothers cousion faiqas house.

taps at my teacher fahad dauds house.

taps at hotels like manal and rinas/

taps at hospitals like naseer hospital and defence hospital.

taps at the national  college of arts.

taps at my mothers friend looloo aunts house.

taps at ameena bajis house.

taps at humaira auntys house.

taps at my mothers 3 friends mariam , shella and shirin auntys house.

taps at khurram uncles house.

taps at the american school.

taps at my cousions wifes house.

the same at an office my mother used to go to.

the same at a nutritionist my mother used to go to.

taps at different boys in aitchison i knew like ismail,asim , hassan and qasim.

taps at the exam hall i went to.

the same at the lahore literary festival in alhamra.

taps at an  old lady my mother  knew.

the same at a house where our driver went to give mangoes to.

same at my mothers friend timmys house.

same at the packages mall

same at a store called pace

switches at a clothes shop.

the movie place my mother took  my cousions son to watch  a movie.

taps at the mosque in tech society.

same at my mothers brothers friends house called mashdi.

taps at gymkhana hotel.

a tap i saw when i was travelling on the motorway of lahore/islamabad.

taps at khurram uncles house.

same at avari and pearl continental hotel.

same taps and switches  at a park called tracks where we used to go to have food and  taps and switches at a shop  next to the park where my mother buys clothes for me.

same taps and switches  at my step  mothers sisters house.

same taps and switches at my step fathers office and his nieces office.

taps at the polo lounge.

same at the islamabad 2 airports.

taps at staff college , where my father used to work.

taps at gujurawala.

taps at alfatah , a shopping place.

taps at a  market where i went to get my phone fixed .

same stuff at murree and multan.

same at my fathers relatives  house jawad.

same at my tecahers rabias house.

same at my cousions wifes mothers house.

same at the macdonalds of fortress.

same at the house of my fathers brothers son.

taps and switches at my fathers brothers sons house in Lahore as well as taps and switches at  his house in the hills some where in murree or nathiagalli which are hill stations in Pakistan.

same at various teachers house in lahore and islamabad.

same at my grand mothers brothers house who now lives in canada.

same at some bloody cinema.

same at a hill station khera galli where my step fathers niece goes.

same at my step fathers two nieces houses in zaman park and other houses in zaman park

same at some houses in zaman park.

same at my step fathers nieces husbands village.

same at my grand fathers relative farasat bajis house/.

same at a dentist called rehman and rehmans.

same at a dentist my mother took me to called doctor dildar and doctor sarah and the same taps and switches at the houses and the relatives of them , the doctors dildar and sarah.

same at the crown plaza hotel in lahore.

same at 2 macdonalds in lahore.

same at some village girl and  multan.

same at my mothers friends silvat auntys house.

same at the saint i was taken to .

same at my fathers friend doctor kazmi and the hotel in lahore where he is a doctor in.

same at doctor kazmis house in Lahore.

same at pizza hut and the  kitchen cuisine near it.

same at the lahore zoo.

same at the wapda house.

same at the lahore stock exchange.

same  at the jalal sons market and also the alfatah market.

same taps at the barber shop and taps near it in the market

same at a market where i  went to get the phone fixed,. 

same at bubbly auntys house who is related to my grand mother.

same at my old school kids campus.

same at the shukat khanum injection lab.

same at lums.

same at the tcs shop.

same at the hot spot in defence.

same at the dha cinema .

same at the hotel my father stayed at when he went to lahore.

same at my grand fathers factory.

same at a place called johar town.

same at my mothers cousions husband  khurram uncles old and new house.

same stuff  at a woman called faridas

whom my grand mother knew.

same at the office my mother used to go to.

get my self checked.

same at the old and new house of a  lady tailor my mother went to get her clothes fixed.

same at a wedding hall in lahore.

same taps in a market in gulberg near where they sell peanuts next to the monal restaurant.

same stuff at my fathers friend nasim auntys house.

same at my grand mothers friends shahida auntys house.

same at my fathers friends house mahroo auntys house.

same at the jinnah parks .

same at the buildings in the toll  plaza next  to the daewoo bus stop

obviously taps and switches at all the Daewoo bus stop between Lahore and Islamabad and at Sargodha.
switches and taps at jalal sons , a store in Lahore.
some taps and switches  at a market where I went to get the phone fixed in Lahore.
taps  and switches at my mothers cousions usmans old and new house.

in Lahore in 2006, my grand father was ill and was about to die , he was put in a hospital in defence in Lahore and the issue is to close the  taps and switches over  there and there was a  house  right next to it where a teacher of islamiat from Aitchison college used to live so the issue is  to close the taps and switches over   there as well.
taps and switches at my islamiat tecahers house from Aitchison college.

taps and switches at a hotel where I went to many years ago for a wedding where this was a big swimming pool.
taps and switches at a  maths teachers who used to come to tech society to teach me maths as well as another teacher of English who came to teach me in zaman park at my step fathers house.
 taps and switches at an old English teacher who used to teach me in Lahore of whom house I used to go to study maths.
taps and switches at a young English teacher who used to teach me in my grand parents house in tech society.
taps and switches at a mans house whom my grand father helped.
taps and switches at my fathers friends nasim auntys house in Lahore.
taps and switches at a doctor my mother took me to many years ago in Lahore.
taps and switches at hotels in Thailand and in Karachi.
taps and switches at my step fathers sisters sons wifes mothers house in Lahore.
taps and switches at my step fathers sisters ex husbands house.
taps and switches at a principle and another guy at Aitchison college when I was studying there.
taps and switches  at a place where my mothers cousion hinas birthday took place.
taps and switches at a committee where my mother went to in Lahore.
taps and switches at my mothers friend humairas house as well as taps at a market near by.
the same at by cousion ali bhais  wifes mothers house in Lahore.
same at the kitchen cuisine bakery in defence in Lahore near neelum bajis house.
taps at the mosque at tech society and taps at another mosque near mall  road and taps at a mosque  my mothers cousion took me to many years ago.
taps and switches at my mothers cousion hinas ex husband house in Lahore.
taps and switches at my grand mothers sisters sons old and new house  in Lahore.
taps and switches at my grand mothers sisters son wifes friends hosue.
taps and switches at a hotel me father will stay at in Lahore while he is going to china.
taps at my grand fathers brothers daughter  aribas grand mothers house in Lahore.
same stuff at the cd shop and macdonalds at fortress stadium in Lahore.
same taps and switches at my fathers friend tony uncles house in Lahore.
taps and switches at the cmh hospital in Lahore or what ever it is called,
taps and switches at my grand mothers friend ismat auntys house.
the same taps and switches at my grand mothers other brothers house.
taps and switches where I met a lady my grand mother knew called farida.
taps and switches at my grand fathers brothers house in Lahore who now lives in Canada.
taps and switches at my fathers friend from lahores house as well as the taps and switches where they will stay at while going to china.
taps and switches at two servants house who work at my step fathers house in Lahore and also taps and switches at another servants house who worked for us may years ago as well as taps and switches at a servants house who worked for us many  years ago as well as taps and switches at another workers house who worked for my step fathers brother as well as taps and switches at an old ladys house who worked for us as well taps and switches at another  young ladys house who used  to work at my step fathers house in Lahore.
taps and switches at my fathers brothers sons house in Lahore.
taps and switches at a friends house in Peshawar , I had this friend from Aitchison college in Lahore.
taps and switches at a friends house in Karachi , I had this friend from Aitchison college in Lahore.
taps and switches at a boy from Aitchison shahzores house as well as taps and switches at a house of a boy called azizullah.
taps and switches at a house in multan of a friend I had from Aitchison college.
taps and switches at a house of a friend from Gujrat I had at Aitchison  college.




taps and switches at the shukat khanum laboratory where I went to get my blood report as well as another laboratory where I went to get my test done.

taps and switches  at my english literature teachers house as well as pakistan studies teachers academy in Lahore.

taps and switches at the Pakistan studies house or his relatives house although I don't even know where that is and I have not even been there.

taps and switches at the English literature teachers sons or daughters or other relatives house as well as taps and switches at relatives of the Pakistan studies teacher.

taps and switches at a boys house who used to come to the academy where the man taught Pakistan studies as well as taps and switches at a brother and sister who used to come to the mans academy where he taught Pakistan studies.
to pick up a door mat and throw it in to the canal near the zafar ali road in Lahore.
taps and switches at a store where I have to to buy a stapler from a market called anees book corner to staple the papers on which I wrote these lists of compulsions
there are a couple of books I have in Lahore  in my room as well as a couple in my room in Islamabad which have stains or have misprints in them and I have a compulsion to dispose them off like throwing them in to a canal or throwing them away.
taps and switches at abida parveen the singer and her sons house where  I went to learn music.

taps and switches at different childrens houses at the school sisa I used to go to in Lahore.

taps and switches at my mothers friend silvat auntys house.
taps and switches at my mothers friend humairas fathers house who passed away.
our driver mumtazes house in multan.
a friends of my cousions house , nina auntys house.
my mothers friend naheed  anutys house.
taps and switches at some ones house I went to many years ago where the movie problem child was being played.
taps and switches at a house of   a relative of my step father whoes daughter is excpecting.
taps and switches at  a building near tech society.
my grand mothers sisters sons wifes brothers house .
taps and switches at khanpur lake where my mothers friend shella has a house in.

taps and switches at my mothers brothers friends house who came back from America.
taps and switches at a maid we had at our geo are house in Lahore and at an old mans house .
taps and switches my grand fathers sisters old house in Lahore.
taps and switches at a farm lands my step father took me many years ago.
taps and switches my mothers friends house that was donated to Aitchison college.

taps and switches at my grand mothers friend shahada auntys house.
taps and  switches at my mothers brothers wifes friends house.
taps and switches my mothers cousions wifes mothers house.
taps and switches at an old ladys hosue my mother knew.
taps and switches at the cd shop near variety book shop.
taps and switches at my step fathers relative aunty batools house and at shiekhupura.
taps and switches at a theif who stole my cousions money as well as taps and switches at two servants we have at my grand parenst house.
taps and switches at the chugtai lab where I get the blood test done.
taps and switches at a house which was of the sui gas where my grand father worked.
taps and switches at a teacher I had from  icas school in Islamabad.
taps and switches at a building which looks like its from saudia arabia.
taps and switches at my mothers cousion shahids house.
taps and switches at doctor sarahs house and clinic where  I went to check my  teeth.
taps and switches at different childrens house from Aitchison college.
taps and switches at a café in Lahore and other buildings.
taps and switches  in the end of tech society.
taps and switches at a boys house from Aitchison college.
taps and switches at a physics teachers house I had many years ago.
taps and switches at houses between the Lahore and Islamabad motor way.
taps and switches at a drivers house called nasir whom my grand father had many years ago.
taps and switches at my mothers cousions wifes brothers  house.
taps and switches at hikmatayars house and his house in abbodtabad.
taps and switches at an old ladys house I met in the Daewoo bus while going from Islamabad  to Lahore.
taps and switches at an old mans house whom I met in the Daewoo bus while going from Lahore to Islamabad.



taps and switches at a house my step mothers friend had  in nathiagalli or murree which are hill stations in Pakistan.
taps and switches at the Punjab university and  a ladys house and an English teacher I had who used to come to my grand parents house to teach me.
taps and switches at a pizza hut in Lahore and at a kitchen cuisine near it.

taps and switches at my grand mothers brothers sons second wifes house  called sidra.

taps and switches at my grand mothers sisters sons wifes brothers house and their other relatives house in Lahore.

taps and switches at a lady doctor my mother took me to many years ago.


taps and switches at my mothers friend ranis house and a building they donated at Aitchison college and a building they owned in Lahore where I went to do camping for one night when I was studying in Aitchison college in the middle of 2004.
taps and switches at the hotel my father stayed at in Lahore while going to china and the taps and switches at my fathers friend shahids  house

taps and switches at my grand mothers brothers wifes relatives house in Lahore.

taps and switches at a barber I went to get my hair cut ,taps and switches at a shopping mall in Lahore called pace and also a shopping mall called alfatah.
taps and switches at a doctor my mother took me to who asked if I was married or not.

taps and switches at my grand mothers brothers house and the kfc (Kentucky Fried Chicken)
and at the cinnabon restaurant  in Lahore
taps and switches at my mothers friend humas house.
there is a drug addict called moin who lives at my step fathers house in zaman park,lahore and the issue is to close taps and switches at the clinic he went to and the friends or girl friends that he had.


taps and switches at my mothers friend shellas two daughters husbands.
taps and switches at my mothers brothers friends house who came  from America .
taps and switches at a  house of a principle and another persons house who were at the sisa school I used to go to.
taps and switches at houses of the servants at my grand parent and step fathers house.
taps and switches at the pizza hut in Lahore and the kitchen cuisine .


taps and switches at my step fathers brothers ex wifes house.taps and switches at jinnah hospital and the Punjab university and taps and switches at a persons house in Punjab university , a person my grand mother knew.
taps and switches at murree, which is a hill station in Pakistan ,I have to close taps and switches



 in different buildings and my fathers friends house.


taps and switches at children from Aitchison like hassan and ali.
taps and switches  at my fathers friend mahroo auntys  maids house and taps and switches at her parents or relatives houses or whom ever she knew  or every one she knew.
taps and switches at my mothers cousion faiqas house.

taps and switches at the persons house  who was the head master in Aitchison college when I was studying there
as well at taps and switches at the house of the principal of Aitchison college.

taps and switches at the house in Lahore of my grand mothers sisters daughter hinas ex husbands house.
taps and switches at the variety book shop in Lahore although I don't think there are any taps and switches over there.
taps and switches at the houses of different children  from Aitchison college in  Lahore , or the sisa school in Lahore or imperial school in Islamabad.
taps and switches at a women who used to take care of the children in the boarding school of Aitchison college when I was studying there.
taps and switches at two maids in tech society in my grand parents house.

taps and switches at my step fathers sisters husband whom she divorced many years ago.
taps and switches at my step fathers sisters sons  wifes mothers house.
taps and switches at a function my mother went to.
taps and switches at the jinnah park my mother and I went for a walk to.

I was travelling between islamabad to Lahore or Lahore to Islamabad , and I saw a man who was producing noises by moving his fingers and the compulsion is to close taps and switches at his house as well at his relatives house or every one or people he knows.
taps and switches at some buildings in Lahore.


taps and switches at our driver mumtazes  house where his daughters live in multan.

taps and switches at the house of a girl who used to play with me  at my grand parents house , her name was sherry,many years ago , she died , and I have to close the taps and switches at her house, where ever the house is in , multan or some where else and also to close taps and switches at her relatives house or all the people she knew.




taps and switches at the house in Lahore or Islamabad of two ladys that came to our house , one lived in south Africa and another in sri lanka.


taps and switches at a cinema we went to watch a movie.
taps and switches at my mothers cousion faiqas old and new home.
taps and switches at my fathers friend taimurs house and his cooks house etc.
taps and switches at a house in Sargodha of  a friend  I had .

to close taps at the filteration plant in zaman park continue to haunt me and also the taps in the park of zaman park and to close the gates at zaman park.
taps and switches at a rich persons house in zaman park and all the taps and switches at every ones house in zaman park and tech society which are colonies in Lahore.
taps and switches at every ones houses and  restaurants and the daewoo stops in many cities in Pakistan like in Muzaffarabad , multan , Sahiwal,abbottabad and Gujranwala,sargodha,bahalwalpur and many other cities,and also taps at their Daewoo bus stops
.
taps and switches every where in Lahore, all the other Pakistani cities  and in Pakistan and in the world.
 I will have to go to Lahore to celebrate my birthday and sort out the compulsions with my mother,
the issue is to do all these compulsions and also to go to Lahore, do the compulsions and then come back and then go back and then come again,
what the hell?.
I will fight all this shit!.

most of all taps and switches every where

and the list goes on and on...

?.

now what the fuck is all this.?.

and that is not all , there is more bull shit to come.

there must be countless places where i have not been or seen where i must have compulsions to close switches and taps in.

now how can this be  allowed to happen to me?.

this is too much!.

THE VOICES.

i heard voices on my 25th birthday  and i went totally crazy and then i heard voices two times after that which were just deadly.

they go on and on.

half of the day  i think about the compulsions and i hear voices,

the strange part is that i do not do the compulsions  but i just do think about them.

i must have heard voices atleast 2050 times in my life if not more or not less.

nothing can be done about this crap.

the voices go on and on.

don't you get it joshwa?

this is all part of the set up?

they are all watching you!.

you are nothing but a coward,

nothing but a coward who wants to kill him self.

you think you that you can cheat on us?.

well you know what

?

you cant?.

they are all watching you.

they are all coming to get you.

it seems as if the whole world is un real and that every one is against me and that they are all coming to get me.

and it is obvious that these bloody sufferings will not end and i will have to live with this illness for all of this bloody life.

and i know that this is pure obsessive compulsive disorder and it is schizophrenia.

and the list of compulsions goes on and on and thats all i can think about and i hear voices many times a week or many times a day .and what the  hell is this?.

and i don't want to live in this stupid country pakistan , i want to live in america and i want to go to New York City and have fun.

i want to party and i want to read books,

you know i managed to read 6 books and i Love reading books.

and i would love to go to the barnes and noble book shop in new york city and buy 50 books and then read them.

thoes were the best days of my life when i was in hawaii.

will this illness ever end?.

who made us and why are we here in this world of misery and injustice//?

i love reading books on religion and philosophy.

salman rushdie lives in new   york city and christopher hitchens passed away in houston,texas.

there are some books i have to read like "experiencing god" and "not in gods name"


when i go to barnes and nobel in new york city, i will go straight away to  the religion section and buy books and party all night long  like i did in bangkok.

yes, we hit the night clubs of   bangkok as well.
i get put off when i read a book and don't remember what i have read in it!.

maybe some UFOS (unidentified flying objects) abducted me.

what can be said about god ?.

god actually gets pleasure out of making people suffer for no reason what so ever.

i want to become a writer and publish my book, meet my favourite writers and to travel the world and enjoy my self.

i wish that i could go to America one day and live over there and party with all the writers i like , etc.

but this illness,

it will not end and i will have to rot like this with this illness for the rest of my life.

i have to go to Lahore and discuss the compulsions  and do the rotten birthday and then get the  hell out of this bloody country!.

i do miss the heart of bangkok and all the book shops and the night life as i have been to thailand  ten times and i love  to hit the night clubs of bangkok and party all night long.
will these sufferings ever end or not?
i mean its been 11 years and one month that i have been suffering from this tired crap, and my life really is HELL!.

 UPDATE:

I just cant take these sufferings any more.
all this stuff might not end.
I just want to get rid of all this stuff and go to Bangkok and party!.

MY LIFE IS HELL.
WHEN WILL THE SUFFERINGS END?
I LOVE BANGKOK!.

UPDATE

 I was just thinking that this illness might not ever end and I will be 80 years old and will still be hearing voices and getting disturbed by the compulsions to close taps and switches ,  what the hell can be done?.



UPDATE:
I am bloody sick of this life and I want to die , I don't know why I was ever born.










UPDATE:

now if you guys have read every thing above you can realize what hell I have to go through, well you know what I am going to Bangkok in December 2018 and will party all night long guys!.



UPDATE:

I really miss new York city and Toronto and the book shops and the book shops and night clubs of Bangkok.
I wonder when the day will come when this illness is over and I become a writer.
for the last nearly ten years I go to sleep every day hoping that the sufferings will end

but then don't end.
what the fuck?.

bye , danial tanvir.