MY LIFE IS HELL WITH THE VOICES AND COMPULSIONS , WHY CANT THESE SUFFERINGS JUST END?. GOD?.

it is danial tanvir here,i am 32 years old and i am from pakistan.i am mentally ill and i suffer from mental illness.and i have obsessive compulsive disorder and schizophrenia.i hear voices  and i have compulsions and i have been unwell for nearly 19 years , as i have been suffering and have had this illness since august 2007 and this is too much.i dont know what to do and i just want to die, and i dont know why god makes people suffer so much for no reason?,now what is the point of  making people suffer so much?. as i go through hell and have to suffer a lot and i dont want to live any more. why does god make people suffer?. i dont know that why there is so much misery in the world and why does god make people suffer so much for no reason?. why cant god just end all the sufferings and misery in the world?. i have always wanted to write and to become a writer!. i am a big fan of the author christopher hitchens who passed away and also michel onfray who is the french writer. i love to read and have always wanted to be a writer and i  have lived in pakistan  most of my life.i have spent half of my life in lahore, pakistan and the other half in islamabad , pakistan but more in the city of my birth which is lahore in pakistan.  i have been suffering from so many years and the sufferings have no intentions of stopping or leaving me alone,and i dont know what to do. my father syed tanvir abbas jafri passed away on the 2nd of september 2025 in the paf hospital  in islamabad , pakistan. it did not hit me that hard but after a few months it really did hit me hard. i was in the hospital when my beloved father was dying and he took me all over the world , my baba.he took me to bangkok, thailand alone 14 times and many other countries in addition to that. now why is there so much misery in the world?,and i just want to die and not live any more,as a matter of fact i love to write  and also to read books. i was with my mother mahrukh butt in lahore in pakistan which is the city of my birth as i told you. any ways every one, coming back to the topic. it was that bastard doctor who was my mothers brothers friend who told my mother to put me in the dammed clinic. the bloody clinic here in lahore, pakistan messed up my life and ruined every   thing and after the clinic , my condition became at least 4 to 5 times worse than it already was. it was a clinic here in lahore in pakistan, the country I am from. and i was there for adzactly 40 days, the first day i went there, is  started shouting  and then there were 4 men who abused me and took my mobile from me ,one day i had  a fight with a person and the staff over there told me that they will tie me up with ropes and put injection in my body. it was really worse than hell and i went through a lot of trauma and msiery due to the clinc  and they kept me for 40 days not because they wanted to treat me but because they wanted to make money. the doctors and the staff were bastards and i had so many compulsions over there and also heard voices. i was admitted on the 7nth of november 2025 and go out on the 17nth of december 2025 and that too after  along ordeal. They charged us 10 to 11 lakh rupees for 40 days and did nothing but made my condition several times worse.and my step father paid that money and it was terrible and i could have gone to thailand or malaysia in that much money and look what happened. i missed my father very much when i was over there. when i got out of the dammed clinic ,  i came back to the house in zaman park and i was over there, i ran away from the house in zaman park and then my fathers relative came to save me but i wanted to go to my fathers nephews house in  rawalpindi in pakistan. my hands were trembling and my feet were bleeding and i could hear the azaan from the mosque in the background. then i was angry with my  mother for putting me in the clinic so i said bad things about her to people on whatsapp, and then she found out and i was trying to contact my fathers friends to get me out of there and i was in the bathroom when i heard my stepfather tell me mother to tell her to tell her brother to send me to the mad house and he said this in urdu. i again ran away from the house but then came back and encountered my step father and my mothers brother who sent me to go and live in the servant quarter of the zaman park house which was not fit for pigs. i stayed there for more than 5 to 6 day and then i was able to go back to the house and my step father came and said that he will send me to fountain house which is a mad house in lahore here in pakistan. Then I was sent to the servant quarter again. i stayed there for a total of 10 days and my  mothers brother said that i will have to stay  there for 2 long months but my mother came and saved me , as i said that the servant quarter was not fit for pigs and was a terrible place to be in . Then the doctors who were bastards at the clinic messed around with my medication and my life had become hell. my whole body used to tremble with pain and misery.They had kept a person who was 10 years younger than me to take care of me and he was with me all along. it is so difficult to do compulsions and imagine how difficult it would be to do it in that condition, and then my whole body used to tremble with pain for hours and I used to fall from one place to another. It was january 2026 and there were winters and it was so cold and then my mother came and saved me and brought me upstairs to the proper house. then we went to shaikh zayed hospital to meet the doctors who were seeing me in the clinic, i have not gotten so much pain in my body in my whole life and that pain was due to the changes in the medication that the doctors did when i was in the dam clinic. and then i went through hell in the coming months and i really missed the city of islamabad in pakistan which is my home and although lahore in pakistan is the city of my birth. 2026 is the year in which i have suffered the most, i heard voices for hours every day and  got headaches and of course the compulsions. my life has become hell after the clinic and has become intolerable, i am also good friends with dan barker who is ab american writer and is known. i miss the times i had in hawaii in the united states of america with my mothers sister in july 2003. i like indian music and stuff like that. i belive in aliens and life outside earth!. i have always wanted to become a writer and love to write, when i listen to the music , i miss my father and i also miss the party scene of bangkok, thailand. i also admire the city of islamabad in pakistan very much. i used to be lying on the bed in my room there in zaman  park and i used to be hearing voices for nearly 11 hours a day and getting headaches and also having compulsions which were terrible. now lets talk about important things, so as i told you that the compulsions  started,they told me that if i dont do them then something very bad will happen to me  like someone will throw acid on me for a long time or shoot me in the head many times or bury me alive or stab me in both the eyes and the list went and goes on and on. i used to spend hours and hours doing the compulsions in lahore in pakistan.and apart from that i spent hours doing compulsions like going from my room to my mothers bath room 100 or even 200 times a day and inapril  2026 , i was  doing the compulsions like going from my room to my mothers bath room for around 17 to 18 hours non stop, Do you think  that the compulsions can get any worse than that?. the voices are so bad and the compulsions are even worse than the voices so imagine how bad that would be and the clinic was so bad and the servant quarter was even worse than that so imagine how bad that could be,yes seriously. and then i spent most of my time in lahore in pakistan which is the city of my birth and where i was born. i really missed the city of islamabad in pakistan which i consider my home and true love, and i made several trips to the capital city of pakistan. on the 1st of july 2026 , i was having compulsions to go up and down the stairs in the zaman park house where i have lived for quite many years and then my step father got angry and started beating me up and took a stick from his work shop and started beating me up and he also said to me that he will shoot me in the head with a pistol and also he  told my mother that i could no longer live in the zaman park house so i went to islamabad the capital city of my country , pakistan  and i lived at my fathers relatives house in rawalpindi in pakistan, I am very close to him and he cares about me. i am bloody well sick of every thing and i want to be abducted by aliens and when i was 9 years old , the angel gabriel came in my dream and i have also met aliens in my dreams, i was abused, masturbation is bad you know and i was abused!. so the compulsions bother me all the time and they tell me that if i dont do the compulsions then some one will throw acid on me for a long time or shoot me many times or bury me alive or stab me in the eyes and the list goes on and on, and I heard voices for many hours and got headaches in addition to being prediabetic because I eat too many sweet things as I have  a sweet tooth!. i dont know when these bloody suffering will end and i have just had enough and i just want to die!. I like the restaurants and shopping malls of Islamabad , pakistan!. i spent around 25 days in islamabad in my country pakistan and i then came back to lahore , pakistan and my mother rented  a house for me in cantt where i am right now!. i have not sat in a plane in 1 year and 3 months and the last time was when i went to karachi in pakistan with my father in april 2025. the 25 days i spent in islamabad / rawalpindi in pakistan were not that bas as i went to the old book shop 3 times, and went to the centuaras shopping mall a couple of times and i was living at my fathers relitives house whom i am very close to and i was in the building when i had a compulsion to go in the lift around 30 to 40 times and i went half mad!. i really do want to travel somewhere to some country or even to Karachi in pakistan and do really miss the great times i had with my father in Bangkok, Thailand and how we rocked the dance floor. Now why does god make people suffer and why can't these sufferings just end?. a few days ago i was at my house in cannt and i was hearing voices and about to collapse in the bath room and i just could not take it any more, and the voices talk to me, dont you get it joshwa?. they are all watching you, they are all coming to get you, you are nothing but a coward, a coward who wants to kill himself. i love to write articles for pakistani newspapers!. i have always wanted to be publsihed in the dawn newspaper!. i really miss bangkok , thailand as a matter of fact and i want to go back there and party all night long in the night clubs of bangkok in thailand. but no my father is no more. the city of lahore in pakistan is where i was born and have lived more of my life as compared to islamabad in pakistan which is my home. i really miss the partys that my father used to have at khudadad hieghts in islamabad in pakistan where we used to live and the party started at 10 at night and went up until 4 in the morning and poeple were coming and dancing the night away. and we had a great time in bangkok , thailand and i really miss it while lisetning to nice music, i love to read books and also to write as a matter of fact. sexual things are bad you know , bad things happened to me. but i love my country pakistan. my mother mahrukh butt is with me so since i got kicked out of the zaman park house , i am living i a rented house in cantt. i really want to travel some where on the plane for instance to karachi in pakistan and go to liberty books and buy a couple of books or to go to the dolmen mall and go to teh clifton beach anc chill. and i do want to go to america , to my mothers sister who is in florida and go to the barnes and noble. i dont know why but i still do really miss the great times that i had with my father in bangkok, thailand, on the 2nd of september 2025 , when my father was dying in the hospital , that same say i was hearing voices and i was going mad , and then it was his funeral th enext day . you know my father used to buy me books from the book shops of bangkok , thailand, if it was a cruise on the bahamas or the night life of bangkok or dubai , my father made me enjoy and did every thing for me, i would love to meet michel onfray and also sir salman rushdie. i always wanted to go to india, and also i have always wanted to become a writer, and all the people who were bad to me , well to hell with them. maybe i should get married to a nice girl who takes care of me and then i can go to nepal and do paragliding. i dont know when these sufferings will end or even if they will or not. sex is bad and masturbation is also bad!. i love to travel and also to party. i might want to get married to a nice girl and travel with her and then she can take care of the voices and compulsions, as a matter of fact i love to write, i do miss my father and th elovely times we had in bangkokk thailand and how we rocked the dance floor, as you know that the compulsions are always bothering me. i dont know what to say or what to do , my life is hell and i have suffered so much and i really do need some happy moments!.  I HEAR VOICES AND HAVE COMPULSIONS, THEY TELL ME  THAT IF YOU DON'T DO THE COMPULSIONS THEN SOME ONE WILL THROW ACID ON YOU,IF YOU DON'T DO THE COMPULSIONS SOME WILL SHOOT YOU,IF YOU DON'T DO THEM , SOME ONE WILL BURY YOU ALIVE,OR STAB YOU  OR INJURE YOU OR PUT YOU IN JAIL OR ALL THE THINGS WILL HAPPEN TOGETHER AND MY LIFE IS HELL! MY LIFE IS HELL AND I HAVE TO SUFFER SO MUCH, I HEARD VOICES FOR HOURS EVERY DAY AND THE COMPULSIONS BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME, I MUST HAVE HEARD VOICES HUNDREDS OR EVEN THOUSANDS OF TIMES IN MY LIFE AND THE COMPULSIONS BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME. WHY CANT THESE SUFFERINGS JUST END?. I WANT TO LIVE IN AMERICA?. I WANT TO GO TO HAWAII AND LISTEN TO INDIAN MUSIC. I WANT TO MEET GOD AND GO TO THE MOON TO BE ABDUCTED BY ALIENS, MY LIFE IS WORSE THAN HELL, WHAT IS THE POINT OF MAKING ME SUFFERO SO MUCH?. WHAT COULD BE GOOD BEHIND ALL THESE SUFFERINGS?. I MISS THE HEART OF BANGKOK, THAIALND AND ALSO MY FATHER WHILE LISTENING TO NICE MUSIC, OH GOD?. WHY CAN'T THESE SUFFERING JUST END?.PLEASE GOD!.