MY LIFE AND MY STRUGGLES!.

As you know, I hear voices and have compulsions. I have obsessive compulsive disorder and schizophrenia, it seems like it is a curse or black magic rather than a mental illness you know. I have no idea what happens to me and I have been suffering for years and I have no idea why this happens or what caused it to happen!. I have been suffering since august 2007 which means that its been more than 18 years and 5 months and i have been hearing voices and having compulsions since more than 15 years. I am 32 years old and I am from pakistan. I can't take it any more. why does god make people suffer so much There is no point in making me suffer so much for no reason. my father passed away on the 2nd of september 2025 at the age of 75 in islamabad pakistan and then i came to lahore pakistan. It was that idiot friend of my mothers brother who advised that I be put in the clinic here in Lahore , pakistan. I went through hell in the clinic. I was admitted on the 7nth of november 2025 and i got out on the 17nth of december 2025 which means that i spent 40 days over there. I went thorugh hell at the clinic. my voices and compulsions increased by several times. I was abused and tortured over there. They told me that they will tie me up with ropes and put an injection into my body. The clinic was very bad and worse than hell and I heard voices every day over there and my compulsions increased by many many times. I was put in a room where I had to stay and the staff and people were very bad to me and these idiot doctors came to see me every day and talked bullshit!. I am so angry with that idiot doctor who told my mother to put me over there and I am coping up with the consequences of being out there till now . The doctors did not know shit how to treat people with mental illnesses and they were just interested in making money and were money minting machines. There was a boy staying with me to take care of me who comes to our house now everyday. I really miss Islamabad, Pakistan and I really miss my father and all the great times I had with him in Bangkok , thailand. I eventually left the clinic. I hear voices almost every day and I must have heard them thousands of times in my whole life and the compulsions bother and black mail me all the time. i want to become a writer and i dont want to live in pakistan and in fact i want to live in some western country. The compulsions black mail me every minute of every day. i have compulsions if i dont do a certain compulsions then something bad will happen like something bad will happen to someone or to me. like someone will throw acid or be put in jail or go blind or will be buried alive or i will be shot in the head of be critically injured. i have just had enough of my share of sufferings and i can't take it any more. and it had crossed the limits. The clinic was terrible. I came back home to my step father's house here in Zaman park in Lahore , pakistan. I was very frustrated and angry and I am still getting very angry now because I have just had enough. all these years suffering is not a joke you know. I came back home after the clinic and so many people were bad to me. it has crossed the limits and has become too much to control I have no idea if this shit will end one day or not So many people have been bad to me and I have suffered so much and no one cares and no one is bothered. i got sick of everything and then i had just had it with the voices and the black mailing compulsions and the stuff. i wrote bad things to people about my mother and my step father and whatsapped it to people and then some idiot person who knew my father sent the messages to my mother and then my step father and my mothers brother got annoyed and wanted to punish me by sending me to the servant quarter here in zaman park in lahore pakistan and the servant quarter was not fit for pigs and they wanted to send me to the mad house . I stayed at the servant quarter for 6 days and it was terrible and I had many compulsions over there and then I came back up stairs and then after a gap of 4 days I was sent there again for not following the routine . it was cold and i was sent there for 10 days exactly okay and i had to live there and it was terrible. i started getting and having compulsions to go to the toilet which was not fit for pigs as a matter of fact the servant quarter was not fit for pigs. i had to do compulsions over there like going to urinate in the toilet 80 to 90 times a day and to close switches and taps and to break locks and other stuff. i had to take off a metal bar in the toilet which is made to keep clothes on and then i had to remove a metal object from the nail which was not getting off and then they came and out another metal var to hold the clothes on. and then the person stayed with me who kept taking care of me. i had too many compulsions over there and it was worse than hell and i had the black mailing compulsions. What happens next is that I start getting extreme excruciating pain all over my body . I have not felt so much pain in my body in my 32 years of existence and this is the first time it happened. I was having many, many compulsions just in Zaman Park in Lahore , Pakistan and not talking about the countless compulsions in other places in pakistan. I was having compulsions here and there and they were screwing me like hell!. I used to urinate in my bed in the servant quarter several times a day and I used to fall from one place to another and get stuck after falling in places and my whole body was trembling and I could not do anything and I couldn't even do anything . It was winter and it was cold and there was a bonfire put in the room and I could have fallen on the bonfire and burnt my face so who would have been responsible if that happened. I used to get stuck due to the body pain. and then i went to the hospital to see 2 doctors. I liked one of them but the other one was an idiot and a fraud. my mother then brought me upstairs to her room on the 10th day. I came back from the servant quarter. actually. the voices are so bad and the compulsions are even worse than the voices so imagine how bad they could be and the clinic was so bad and the servant quarter was even worse than that so imagine how bad that could be. I am going through hell and god is doing this to me. why?. I am in Lahore , Pakistan right now and I am missing Islamabad , Pakistan like hell and I really want to go over there and I really want to travel to some other countries as I have not been out of the country for more than 3 years. I had to go to the servant quarter on the 1st of january 2026 and got out on the 10nth of january 2026 but the original plan of my step father and my mothers brother was to keep me there for 2 months actually. I have been hearing voices every day for the last 3 weeks and I hear them for several hours every day and they dont end and I have no control over them whatsoever. I have always wanted to become a writer, you know. and no one cares about me at all. I have done nothing wrong and why do I have to suffer so much that I wish that I die. I said bad things about my step father and my mother because she took me to the clinic and he also did stuff. the doctors at the clinic did not know shit how to treat people with mental illness and they were just interested in making money and they were and are money minting machines. i dont know what to do and i have no idea when this bull shit will end. I have been having so many black mailing compulsions and they bother me every minute of every bloody day and I can not tolerate it any more and my tolerance level has expired. something bad will happen if i dont do the compulsions you know and i believe in these voices and really think that that will happen. I have been taking medicines for years but it does not help. previously they used to black mail me that something bad will happen to some one like my mother mahrukh butt or to my fathers nephews daughter eshal zahra but now the thing had changed and now they tell me that something bad is going to happen to me if i dont do the compulsions like someone will throw acid on me and burn me or someone will shoot me or critically injure me and i dont think that anyone would want that to happen to them!. I believe and trust the voices and I have no control over them whatsoever as I said before. I hear voices every day and the compulsions bother and screw me all the time. I am getting very angry and I want to die and I have just had more than enough of my share of sufferings. it had actually crossed the limits. you know one can go mad listening to these voices every day for hours and having compulsions all the time and the fact that they black mail you that something bad will happen if you don't do them. and i am having compulsions at that bloody clinic and then i went to that doctor who was seeing me at the clinic with my mother and the person who has been kept to take care of me and i had a compulsion that if you dont go over there again after the month of ramzan and after eid and that too go with your mother and the person who was kep to care of you then something very bad will happen to you like someone will throw acid on you or critically injure you or shoot you in the head and i dont think that anyone on this planet earth would want that to happen to them. this is worst than hell you know and I have no idea if I will be cured of this or not. will I have to suffer like this for the rest of my life or will this ever end?. i can't even die and i can't live then what can I do?. The doctors are all frauds and they dont know anything. this had actually become a joke in my life, these bloody voices and compulsions. now if i dont think of ending my life then what the hell should i or can i do?. Maybe I should go to america. I hear voices every day for hours and have compulsions which black mail me all the bloody time. i was sleeping in my mothers room today and i was using the mobile and the charging was 99% and the voices told me that if she comes out of the toilet and the charging is not 98% then some one will throw acid on 99% of your body and she did come out before that and now i dont know whats going to happen. this is getting out of control you know!. I dont know!. I have always wanted to become a writer in my life. you know that when I was 9 years old in 2003 , the Angel Gabriel came in my dream. I want to travel the world and meet different people. I dont know when this shit will end. I hear voices all the time and I must have heard them thousands of times in my life. Those were the best days of my life when I was in Hawaii, which are islands of the united states of america with my mother and my mothers sister in july 2003. I have had some of the greatest times of my life in Bangkok , Thailand with my father where he took me a total of 14 times actually. i am hearing voices everyday and i am having compulsions in countless places in pakistan and also in different cities and in people houses and also in lahore pakistan and in zaman park where i live at my step fathers house in lahore pakistan and also in the clinic where i was put in and in the doctor's office near the clinic , the doctor who does not know any thing that how to treat people with mental illness. It seems as if someone had cursed me or done black magic on me . I take medicines but still this nonsense does not end or leave me alone. What can I possibly do?. i dont have the guts to kill myself and I do know the fact that as long as I live then I will have to suffer like this. I dont deserve to suffer like this at all. I deserve to be happy and enjoying myself. this is all just worse than hell. I also get obsessive thoughts and I have to worry about where things start from and they also bother me. I have no idea when this bull shit will or ever end and will let me die in peace. I dont know!. every day I hear voices and have compulsions which black mail me that something bad will happen if i dont do the compulsions and I go through this every day and i go to sleep every day with the same angry and the same misery every single day and this is what happens. this has become a bloody joke in my life and i know that someone evil is behind this and had done this to me and the person who has done this to me should either be burnt alive or made to suffer from what i have gone through for 18 years and five months and I mean it!. I want to go to sleep and I want this god to come in my dream or the aliens who will come and take me to another planet or something like that. I dont deserve to suffer like this at all and in fact i deserve to be happy. i am a good person and i have not done anything wrong and i dont deserve to suffer like this at all. this has crossed the bloody limits and has tested my tolerance level and why can't all this nonsense and shit just end and leave me alone so that i can lead a normal life like everyone else and i become a great writer which i have always wanted to do in my bloody life?. Will this ever even end?. what a cruel and unfair god he is to make me suffer so much for all these years!. this has really been enough and i have had more than enough of my share of sufferings and i can't take it any more and no one cares about me and no one is bothered that what happens to me and So many people take advantage of me and are bad to me and say bad and mean things to me and dont care about me like I make excuses about my mental illness. i can assure you that if these people go through even half of what i go through for one month , i am telling you that they won't be able to take it!. I am telling you that if it was someone else who was suffering from this shit , that person would have killed him or herself years ago and wont be able to take it and it is only me who is coping up with this nonsense for so many years, I have been suffering for so many years and I am tolerating it quietly and they say that there is something good behind bad things , I just want to say that what the hell is good about suffering endlessly for so many years and going through hell!. there is nothing bloody well good about it whatsoever!. It seems as if these sufferings are not going to end and that I will have to live like this for the rest of my damn life. I dont want to give myself false hopes by saying that this will end. i am the one who is crazy and mad that I have been coping up with all this crap for so many years and have been suffering. Now what the hell is all this?. hearing voices and having compulsions?. not even a single day passes by without me hearing voices and the compulsions black mailing me. I am being black mailed by them every minute of every bloody day and the only thing I do is to hear voices and have compulsions. they black mail me that they will throw acid or put me in jail or get me blind or shoot me in the head or critically injure me and the list goes on and on. i dont want the fanatic to come and get me. 65% of my life is spent suffering from this crap. and I want to travel to some countries like Thailand and to America and I want to go to Islamabad , Pakistan and I also want to go to Karachi , Pakistan. Pakistan is my own country after all and I love it although it has a horrible country with no law and order and religous intolerance. nothing can be done about it you know!. I was hearing voices and having compulsions and I got extreme body pain for 10 to 15 days and they were black mailing me that if I dont do the compulsions then I will get 100 times the body pain that I got or my mother will get 100 times the body pain or I will be buried alive for several years or my mother will be buried alive for several years. I am saying all this because it is true , you know it's very true , this is what is happening to me!. do you think that I deserve to suffer like this for so many years and that too suffering endlessly?. Why can't I just be normal like everyone else?. I miss my father very much and he passed away and left me alone. please come back Baba , I want to go to bangkok , thailand with you and party all night long on some nice music in the night clubs of bangkok, thailand!. I really love all of my fathers friends and I know that my father loved me very much and he took me all over the world. He did everything for me. when my father passed away on the 2nd of september 2025. It did not hit me then but it's hitting me now after all these months as I am writing this today and it is the 9nth of february 2026 today!. I love to read books and I love to write , it is my passion to do this you know!. I love to write articles for the Pakistani newspapers as Pakistan is my country and I want to write several books and become a writer!. Now why is god making my life hell?. What is the point of making me suffer so much for no reason whatsoever?. Please can someone answer my question?. I can only hope for the best and that one day this bull shit and nonsense will end. i do believe in aliens and the flying saucers and they do exist you know , and I want them to come and meet me and take them to their own planet or to take me aboard a spaceship or something like that. The aliens did come in my dream around 7 to 8 months ago and met me, now this is not a joke , aliens do exist and are for real and the american goverment is covering up these things and does not want the public to know. some people say that I should get married but I do not want to get married. I really do miss the heart of Bangkok , Thailand while listening to american music. I miss all the great times I had in Bangkok , Thailand with my father. We used to party all night long and in the past one month , my father did come in my dream a few times and I think that he knows that I am missing him!. and I can never forget the great times I had in various cities in Thailand with my father as we went there a total of 14 times!. now wont even be great if all this shit goes away huh?. how simple can life be without all these bloody voices and compulsions screwing me inside out and now that these sufferings have started , they might not end or will they end one day?. Hello there today is actually the 12th of february 2026 yesterday was worst than hell , i was in my bed and i heard voices for 9 bloody hours and it happened throughout the day and the compulsions were bothering and black mailing me and i was also getting a severe and a throbbing headache. I felt so angry and miserable. I felt like dying. this does not happen to every one then why does it happen to me. I then started thinking about god , aliens and the universe. i was firm in my belief that when i would go to sleep the angel gabriel would come in my dream and as i told you before that the angel gabriel came in my dream 23 years ago when i was 9 years old in 2003 when i was living at my grandparents house when they were alive in tech society which is a colony in lahore , pakistan!. I knew that the aliens would come and get me and take me to the moon where they have built secret civilizations under the moon and have their bases over there. or the angel Gabriel would come to get me or the buraq horse would come to get me with wings and it would take me to the heavens within minutes. I wanted to be abducted by aliens from Lahore , Pakistan and they would take me to the moon or they would take me to their own planet!. I am firm in my belief!. I want to travel to the moon and also the other planets where aliens live and I want to meet the aliens and I also want to meet the angel Gabriel and meet god and talk to him!. I want to meet god and talk to him!. i heard voices for 9 hours on the 11nth of february 2026 and i was getting a headache and having black mailing compulsions and then on the 15nth of february 2026 , I heard voices for 11 hours and I was getting a headache and having black mailing compulsions and then the next day I went to islamabad pakistan and then I had to go on one day and stay the next and come back the next day and then on the 20th of february 2026, I heard voices for 11 hours and was having a headache and having the black mailing compulsions. I just wanted to die . will the fanatics come to get me because of what I write?. i was having a compulsion that if for three days every day you dont go out of the house with your mother and make the person who works for you , you dont make him order KFC three days in a row and and dont make him put vaseline on your lips then someone will shoot you in the head and you will get 10 times the headache that you got and i went through worse than hell hearing voices and having the black mailing compulsions and getting a headache. I just wanted to end my life. for the first time in my life I thought of the fact that one day these sufferings would actually end!. I AM HEARING VOICES EVERY DAY FOR HOURS AND HAVING COMPULSIONS. ON THE 20TH OF FEBRUARY 2026, I HEARD VOICES FOR 11 HOURS AND WAS GETTING A HEADACHE AND HAVING COMPULSIONS IN COUNTLESS PLACES IN PAKISTAN WHICH WERE BOTHERING ME AND THEY WERE BLACK MAILING ME THAT IF YOU DON'T DO THE COMPULSIONS THEN SOMEONE WILL THROW ACID ON YOU FOR MANY YEARS OR SHOOT YOU IN THE HEAD AND YOU WILL GET 10 TIMES THE PAIN THAT YOU GOT FROM A HEADACHE OR SOME ONE WILL BURY YOU ALIVE OR GET YOU BLIND OR PUT YOU IN JAIL OR CRITICALLY INJURE YOU AND THE LIST GOES ON AND ON AND I AM SO FED UP THAT I JUST WANT TO DIE AND MY TOLERANCE LEVEL HAS EXPIRED , I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE. WHY IS GOD DOING THIS TO ME?. WHY CAN'T ALL THIS JUST END?.