Monday, November 10, 2014

THE 18nth of September ,2014,it seems as if the sufferings will never end...

I dont know what to do or what to think
i had gone to bangkok a few months ago and then i was in dubai
i went to the book shop in dubai and bought a few books
then i came back to islamabad and then off to lahore and then i travelled to lahore twice or thrice since then , i also went there for eid.

i was having compulsions at some ones house in zaman park in lahore
for instance i had to close windows here and there in the house here and there since they were open and then i had to close switches in the entrance of the house and the  i had to close a tap in the entrance of the house

i had to close windows , etc , i had to touch things , i had to close swithces in the rooms and the stair case , i had to remove stickers from doors.

i also had to close swithces,copboards ,drawers in the house in Zaman Park,
i had to close the gates of the park in zaman park..

the list goes on and on
i also had to do the same rituals , closing swithces , taps   etc  at my grand mothers house in lahore
 i had  these issues since many years
it was the 18nth of september 2014 and i was going crazy with all this shit when i came  back from Dubai

i was hearing voices and having compulsions
i was going insane i did not know that what was happening to me?

i had a dream then that some one was going to put me in a room , lock me and put barbed wire aroud my body and  leave  me  in a  room with snakes and torture me
then will put you in a mental hospital and now ever pay for it.

i was going insane
i had never felt so miserbale in my life.

i was going bezerk
i did not know that what was happening to me
then i came back to islamabad to my father
i heard voices many days in a row
what was happening to me?"
no one knows
i went to nathiagalli 2 years ago , which is a city in northern Pakistan where the issue was the close taps in the toilet and to close swithces etc in the room,and this continues to haunt me , and as a matter of fact i have compulsions every where i go,

i hear voices
and i have been suffering since august 2007 which means more than 7 years.
the truth is that this illness will never end
then i have issues at the flat in islamabad that we live in, i have to touch door mats and close switches etc.
i also have issues at school for instance writing some thing on the black board with a pen.
i also have other issues like touching the fridge in some departmental store in islamabad.
now what can be done about this shit?
what have i done wrong to deserve this?
i manged to read a few books which i cant do due to the illness i have , i have severe obsessive compulsive disorder and i hear voices
i have schizophrenia and i feel depressed
i get obsessive thoughts for several hours
how can God do this to people?
i do not know
i am going to Bangkok in december for 1 month and i will heal from this illness
i will go to hawaii and heal from this illness 

 my best friend danish tells me to tell the compulsions to fuck off but can i really do that?

life is miserable and the sufferings will never end , i wonder when i will be cured of this Illness , i went to mister books in Islamabad  and bought 

"curfewed nights" and 

"the fields of blood" by karen armstrong published this year in 2014.

what can i possibly do?
It seems as if this illness will never end.
i have to party on the streets of Bangkok and the beaches of Pattaya...