Saturday, February 25, 2017

will my sufferings ever end?. apparently not!.... i hear voices and have compulsions!.

As i mentioned earlier that i am not  going to be cured of this bloody illness and i will have to suffer like this for the rest  of my life.
i had gone to bangkok and pattaya which are in thailand for around 2 weeks.
i rocked the dance floor , bought some  books and heard some  voices.
i read a book called "seeking allah , finding jesus"
by nabeel qureshi and it was a great read , then i read "the namesake" by jhumpa lahiri for school.
 I love the
the streets of Bangkok which are great and I party all night long
  in them.

the   book shops of Bangkok are just lovely and I love them.

I read a book on the lady boys of Thailand!.
i have been suffering from this bloody illness since august 2007 which means more than   9 bloody years,
i do love reading books and i do love my country.
as  you know that i  have obsessive compulsive disorder and that i hear voices.
 I have schizophrenia.

these two things are deadly actually.
  I really do because I hear voices and all,
I do love my father and all the great times that I had in Bangkok with him.

my illness is no joke .

the compulsions bother me all day long and every day.
i must have heard voices more than  a hundred and some times in 2016 and the start of 2017.
indian music is great!.

i miss toronto and i miss the heart of bangkok.

do i hear voices?

the compulsions screw me up.

the list goes on and on .
i have said this before but i will say this again.
the compulsions drive me insane.
i hear voices and have compulsions and this is nothing new  because it happens every day.
its better to be dead than to have OCD
obsessive compulsive disorder that is..

this will never end.
i have to:

i have to close taps at many places in islamabad

close switches  and taps at my step fathers farm house in the outskirts of lahore where i have not been in 3 years,

switches etc at my grand mothers brothers house in lahore near kfc where i have not been in a long time.

switches taps at bets which is a school where my mother put me in to study  english and computers.
taps at a tailors shop in lahore where my mother goes to get her clothes made.
taps at my mothers cousions house in lahore.
taps at the clinic of a doctor my step  father took me to get my disorder fixed.

taps at the daewoo bus stop in islamabad and lahore.

there is more to come:
there are taps outside the readings book shop in lahore where i go to buy books and i have been going there since many years and i have to close taps there.

taps and switches  at my grand parents house in tech society in lahore.

have to close taps at my grand fathers brothers house in tech society in lahore.
switches and taps at my step fathers house in zaman park , Lahore.
i have to close taps at a filteration plant near my step fathers house in zaman park
i went to nathia gali a few years ago,
. which is a city in Pakistan and  I stayed at a hotel and the issue is to close the taps in the toilet and switches in the room , I went there a few  years ago and this compulsions continues to haunt me.

I was just thinking that there must be many places where I have compulsions to close taps and switches but I do not know about them or have not been to those places where I have those compulsions to close taps and switches.
I don't know what to do.
taps at a filtration plant near my  .
grand parents house in Lahore.
i have  to pick up a door mat and throw it in the canal  in the market which is in Lahore.
and that's what happens/.

so this is what shit i have to go through with no fault of my own.
for almost more than two years ,the only thing I can think of  is the the taps and  voices/.
the compulsions list goes  on and on and on
I hear voices several times a week  and some times several times a day.
i dont want to live
i want to die
i have gone though hell  all my life
my life is all about voices and taps not to mention the switches.

i love it in islamabad

no lets talk about the voices?
they tell me that the world is un real and that the whole world is a setup and that every one is against me and that they have cameras in my house and that they are  monitoring every thing i do and have chips in my brain to monitor stuff about me/
i feel that every one wants to  harm me or kill me,
i  feel as if the people around me are not people but are actually robots and are all after me.

i go through hell actually,

i just came from lahore to islamabad on the daewoo,i was hearing voices on the bus and reading a book,

I feel as if the world is un real and that they are coming to kill me .

the   thing   is that i have to give my  a level exams and the subjects are history and geography and also english literature.

i have an english teacher.
I have to pass my exams which will continue till may 2017 , but I really want to go home to Islamabad or isloo as I call it/

now all you guys can imagine what i have to put up with and no one gives a fuck/.
i have to give my a level exams and i want to stay in islamabad but will have to stay in lahore to give the exams , then in may 2017 i shift to islamabad , and then my father will take me to greece and other european  countries/.

the person who has done this to me should  be brought to justice/.
i wrote an article about an innocent man who was sentenced to 11 years  in jail and was innocent.

please some one help me !.

now  did this god not find any one else to  make suffer and to torture other than me?
this illness, i will never be cured of it.

i do want to go to the USA.
thoes were the best days of my life when i was in Hawaii.

i did not want to live today  and i wanted to be cured of this illness.
9 years is a life time and all.
should I become a writer or not?.
no one cares about me and no one gives a dam and i have to suffer so much.
it is  agony that i go through/.
i was hearing  voices in the bus going from lahore to islamabad , i have to study and pass my a level exams and then i can come to islamabad for good/
i like islamabad but  i will have to live in lahore for a few months till may , 2017

might go to greece , italy , france or spain or to my cousion in houston , texas.
now how much can you make  a person suffer so much?
it is apparent and obvious that i will have to suffer like this for ever/
i do really like it in islamabad as pakistan is my country?

 I  do love my father/.
my heart sinks , i feel depressed and very lovely/.
i have hundreds of books in my room here in islamabad/.
did god not find any one else to torture but me

what can i possibly do?

there was a bomb blast in Lahore 2 days ago and I felt like crying as I saw people bleeding and rotting on the streets of Lahore,

I  love my  country and I can not see the people of my country rot and suffer like this.

today I attended the Lahore literary festival and I met mohsin hamid who is out with his new book   which is called "exit west" and I also met bilal tanweer and kamila shamsie.

I ended up meeting William dalrymple and got his novel "white Mughals"  signed and I was very excited to meet William dalrymple , the event was a great event and I really enjoyed my self.

I love indian music.

as I said before that I really do miss the heart of Islamabad and I love that bloody city and I love my country that is Pakistan and I might become a writer one day and I wrote a few articles , I just want to go home to Islamabad.

I did get an email from William dalrymple as  a matter of fact , I talked to mohsin hamid.
I have to read all his books.

some of the writers I like are hisham matar and Michel onfray.
I miss the summers of Canada.
I feel like crying and my heart weeps when I think of all the sufferings that I have gone through and it seems as if these miseries will not end ever and I will have to live like this for ever and
 suffer like this for no fault  my own!.
why is there so much misery in this world?.

whats the  point of making people suffer so much for no bloody  reason , what the hell can I possibly bloody do?.

I say enough is enough.

why is my life hell?

I go through agony and misery , I have suffered so much and  no one cares ,
what can I do?

 what can be said about god?

when will I be cured of this illness?.