MY LIFE IS HELL.
i am sick of this bloody life and i dont want to live.
actually we have been sent to this world to rot and to suffer.
i dont know when these sufferings will end or if they ever will end or not.
as you guys know that i have schizophrenia and obsessive compulsive disorder and my life is basically hell. i have been suffering from this dammed illness since august , 2007.
which means that it has been more than 13 bloody years that i have been putting on with this shit.
i dont know what wrong i have done to deserve this.
god makes me suffer so much for no reason what so ever.
i dont know what can be done.
i hear voices almost every day and the compulsions bother me all day long.
as you know i have to close taps and switches where ever i go and have to go to places again and again, go to cities again and again and afcourse to do things again and again.
this virus has really screwed up things as well,
i cant even travel any where.
there is madness every where.
THE COMPULSIONS.
now lets discuss the compulsions;
i have issues in a lot of places in lahore and some places in islamabad.
there are issues at bus stations in different cities of pakistan.
we had a driver stealing things from us so we sent him to the police so i had to go to the police office or the thanna.
so i have issues at the police office.
i have issues at various jails in pakistan like adiyala jail,much jail and landi kotal jail.
at the shos house and the drivers house.
this is in islamabad.
the same compulsions,
at kheragali , a city where my step fathers niece goes and at her husbands farm some where.
a restaraunt in multan where i went with my relative.
the same issues at my fathers friends house in islamabad.
and at the metro of islamabad.
then there are issues at different drivers and cooks we have had who work for us.
i do not have to take their names.
same at chakwal and kallar kahar.
issues at a clothes shop in lahore where my mother bought me clothes.
same at her tailor.
issues at houses of barbers in multan,chitral and lahore.
issues at a woman and mans house and working places from where i got my pedicure done.
the same issues at my step fathers farm house.
same at my mothers brothers house in sialkot.
same at my grand mothers brother and another relatives house.
stuff at a girls house from the village who used to play with me and at the house of a servent my father knew.
same at the house of a person my friend took me to.
same stuff at my fathers friends house in islamabad and murree.
the same at a driver and a servants house we had working at our house a long time ago.
same at a doctors clinic my mother took me to and at the people of that clinic.
same at a school called bets my mother put me in.
stuff at a house of my mothers friend and also her house in khanpur.
stuff at the house of my grand mothers friend.
issues to go to the dentist.
issues at the houses of three of my relatives in lahore.
now these are the compulsions which are bothering me and are screwing me like any thing.
this is not all.
there are compulsions to close switches and taps at various cities in pakistan for example in multan,shiekhupura,sargodha,nathiagalli,bhurban,murree,muzzaffarabad,neelum valley,gilgit.
we went to nathiagalli in 2013 where we stayed at a hotel and i have issues to close switches and taps in that bloody hotel room.
now the compulsions which are bothering me are the ones in different cities and in peoples houses.
issues at the village of my cousions husband who is my grand fathers sisters daughter. and also issues at fort abbas , which is a city where the relatives of my cousion wife who is my mothers sisters son.
another compulsion is that at a city in pakistan called chitral.
i went to chitral two times to my fathers nephews house where he works and i had issues to close taps and switches over there and stuff like that.
the one deadly compulsions which is bothering me is the one at the village.
my father goes to a village near the city of faislabad every year to put flowers on his parents grave and i am having compulsion to go over there and this is bothering me like hell.
i really do try to fight the compulsions by telling them to go to hell and telling my self that i do not have to do any thing but they still bother me.
as you know that i hear voices every day and the compulsions bother me all the time.
there is always some compulsion or obsessive thought which is bothering me.
there must be countless places where i have compulsions to do stuff but i have not gone there or i do not know about them.
i am having issues to close taps and switches and to go to different cities in pakistan and all that stuff.
what the hell is all this?.
THE VOICES.
the voices are deadly and i hear them almost every day.
they go on and on.
some times when i am hearing voices , then i also start getting a headache and go insane.
nothing can be done basically.
they tell me that the whole world is un real and that they are all part of the setup and that every one is against me and are going to do some thing bad to me.
and they also tell me to commit suicide and no matter how hard i try , i am un able to control them.
they just happen and nothing can fucking be done about them.
this is what bloody happens:
dont you get it joshwa?.
they are all watching you.
they are all coming to get you.
you are nothing but a coward.
a coward who wants to kill him self.
just go to sleep joshwa?.
its all going to be over soon joshwa , its all going to be over soon joshwa?.
you think you can cheat us , well you cant , .
you are just making a fool of your self you moron.
its all your fault,
its all your fucking fault.
this will not end.
you will have to live with this illness for the rest of your life my friend.
HEART SINKING:
my heart sinks and i feel very miserable,depressed and suicidal.
i am also fat and diabetic and every thing is ruined in my life.
i have not been spared in any way.
god has done this to me,
all these sufferings , i mean that whats the point of making people suffer so much for no bloody reason?.
and the virus is also screwing the world and i cant even travel any where.
i want to find my self in hawaii with my mothers sister naureen safdar butt , listening to the soothing voice of A.R.Rahman.
i miss it when i used to sing bruce springsteen , dancing in the dark in 2013 out side the eaten center in toronto,canada.
i miss canada and also the heart and the night clubs and the book shops of bangkok ,thailand.
they will put you in the adiyala jail in rawalpindi and beat the crap out of you.
i was chilling on beach in thailand,
i have been to thailand 12 times and i was also in combodia and i liked that too,
actually i love the far east and i want to live in toronto,canada or new york city, in the united states of america.
i love reading books and i want to become a writer and be famous.
it seems as if i will have to live with this illness for the rest of my life.
the writers i like the most include , christopher hitchens , michel onfray and you will not belive the fact that american author dan barker is my very good friend.
i have not met him but i get an email from him after every few days.
i was really thinking about life and wondering that what happens in life after death.
the world is full of sufferings and we will have to rot and suffer in this world of misery and injustice and there are aliens , my friends , they do exist.
i want to be abducted by aliens and the earth is just a tiny dot in the universe.
why cant i live in america?.
i have to read all the christopher hitchens books and also read michel onfrays great book again.
and i have to meet michel onfray,david silverman,salman rushdie and also dan barker along with ian mcewan and hisham matar.
and some one told me that i should get married and i was like, to hell with.
i am very close to ariba asghar butt, who is my grand fathers brothers daughter.
her brother passed away at the age of 14 then her father and then her 2 year old daughter.
my father is tanvir jafri and my mother is mahrukh butt.
my step fathers sisters son is my very good friends , he is danish jahangir khan and he lives in bangkok.
i want to go to bangkok party all night long and go to the book shops and the night clubs and rock the dance floor like any thing.
right now i am in my flat in islamabad,pakistan.
i actually live with my father as my mother is in lahore with my step father and i have spent half of my life in lahore and half in islamabad.
will the sufferings ever end or not?.
we have a party at our house in islamabad every friday night and i have fun.
my father told me that when this bloody covid 19 ends, we will go to bangkok via kathmandu.
i love the night life and the book shops of bangkok as i said before and i loved it in combodia, malaysia and singapore.
bangkok is amazing but combodia is also good.
i have been to pattaya many times and i love the beaches and night life.
i have to read shantaram.
i miss athens,greece.
i went there in 2004 and loved it.
i cant get enough of bangkok,thailand.
i want to party at the world famous khao san road and party and eat nutella banana pan cakes and go to all the book shops and buy many books.
i took a cruise on the bahamas in 2015 with my father.
i want to sell a billion copies of my book.
i would love that to happen , i have to read a lot of books before that.
i want to get rid of all my sufferings and become a writer and travel the world signing books.
i hope my sufferings end one day and i can do what i want to do.
right now i am at my flat in islamabad,pakistan using the lap top in my room and my room is full of books and my bed and i really want to get rid of thoes bloody compulsions and hit the roads and travel to some other country and to party all night.
i really do wonder that what happens in life after death indeed.
DANIAL TANVIR.
7NTH FEBRUARY,2021
ISLAMABAD,PAKISTAN.
